She'll charm you. Seduce you. She might even kill you.
Most people confuse Blown Away with another movie of the same title, a Jeff Bridges film. Other people may confuse it with, you know, an actual good movie. Blown Away is neither of those things, though it does feature a Baywatch girl in extreme states of undress.
The film starts off with a bang (literally) and then goes awry faster than you could even imagine possible. Terribly ineffectual and lame, Blown Away is not even worth it for the naked girl.
Facts of the Case
Rich (Corey Haim) and his brother, Wes (Corey Feldman), are spending the summer working at a fashionable resort. Rich is trying to save enough money for college. He meets a beautiful blonde teenager, Megan (Nicole Eggert), whom he immediately wants to do all sorts of naked things to.
Luckily for him, she has absolutely no problem with this. In no time at all, both are head-first into a torrid, steamy love affair. Rich soon discovers that Megan is not your typical 17-year old girl. For one thing, she drives a Porsche at breakneck speeds. For another, she seems to have a nasty obsession with murder.
His brother is suspicious of her intentions, and tries to warn Rich, but he is far too involved, too obsessed with Megan and her dangerous game. But does Megan truly love Rich, or is she simply using him to further her own interests?
Take a guess.
What does it say about a movie when, without a trace of facetiousness or deception, the best aspect of the entire film is Corey Feldman's involvement?
It says volumes, my friend. Volumes.
Blown Away is a movie that makes no sense. Within the first 20 minutes of the film, people jump off buildings, cars explode, horses try to kill people, bombs are planted, murders are plotted, and Nicole Eggert gets insanely naked. Where do you go from there?
You go straight down, into the ground, to the center of the earth, where the Mole People live—and then they capture you and eat your brains.
This is a soft-core porno film disguised as a thriller, disguised as something that doesn't suck. Bad dialogue and awkward plot developments barely fill the gaps between each instance of Nicole Eggert taking off her clothes and doing the nasty. And there are a lot of them.
But hot girls doing naked things does not a good movie make. Oh, if only it did. Then this movie could have been an Oscar contender. As it stands, this is an absolutely atrocious excuse for a movie. The plot could actually be the funniest thing ever written down on paper—or the saddest. It almost feels like gigantic pieces of the movie are missing—one minute, people are happy, friendly, and well off, and then suddenly, they punch someone in the face and explain woodenly, "Oh, well, turns out I really hated you all this time—surprise!"
That's not a thriller. That's not even Michael Jackson's Thriller. Alfred Hitchcock rolls around in his grave every time somebody buys a copy of this movie.
The fact that this movie came out in 1992, and not in the mid-'80s, is amazing. Blown Away plays like a lost episode of Miami Vice, if everybody had a lot of sex instead of doing any drug busting. The all-synthesizer soundtrack doesn't help matters any. The few kind words I will spend on Blown Away are in regard to the direction, which is surprisingly adept at times, though absolutely swamped and dwarfed by the overall lousiness of the film. Though it definitely plagiarizes better, sexier movies like Manhunter in thematic style, the director of Blown Away frames his shots adequately well, and does manage to compose a passable, if paltry, atmosphere of sexual tension and desire.
Like all good Artisan DVDs, Blown Away represents the absolute pinnacle of high-quality DVD presentation. That is, if you are blind. And have never seen a DVD before. And your hearing doesn't work right. And you hate widescreen. And have had exploratory frontal lobe surgery. And have lived in the sewers all your life. And also, worship the devil.
The transfer is dirty, grainy, speckled, damaged, and clumsily cropped into full screen. Blown Away looks awful, but surprisingly, is not a total visual travesty. The film transfer is terrible, yes, and the aspect ratio heinous, but certain aspects have their merits. The cinematography is surprisingly skillful, composing the film in sexy shades of blue light. Black levels are surprisingly impressive as well, and blues and greens look particularly slick.
Make no mistake—this is still a bad looking DVD. This reviewer is simply expressing some small surprise over the redeeming visual qualities of an Artisan disc. Who would've thunk it?
The Rebuttal Witnesses
Though a far cry from being the worst movie ever made, there is no actual valid reason for anyone to procure this movie for consumption. Even if all you desire is to see Nicole Eggert in various stages of undress, that is what the Internet is for, my friend.
To put it more succinctly: it's a frickin' Corey and Corey movie.
Make the pain stop.
The only thing blown away here is my television, after I take a gun and fire bullet after bullet into it in a desperate attempt to ensure it will never, ever, ever again play the movie Blown Away.
Also, the phrase "poppin' a chubby" should never be in any movie, ever. Who says things like that? Apparently, Corey Feldman does. And he was the most entertaining thing in this film.
Avoid this film like the plague. You avoid plague, right?
Blown Away isn't the worst movie ever made—sadly, far from it—but anybody who goes out of their way to see this movie might have a touch of the mania. Or sexual frustration.
Nicole Eggert, grudgingly, is free to go, on account of taking off her clothes so many times. Everyone else goes straight to jail.
Now I need a smoke and a nap. Court adjourned.
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