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Case Number 17715

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Blue Seduction

Anchor Bay // 2009 // 91 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge Brett Cullum // November 17th, 2009

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All Rise...

Judge Brett Cullum is not seduced by anything in this boring, unerotic sleeper.

The Charge

Biggest fan. Worst nightmare. Boring movie.

Opening Statement

Faded '90s sex symbol Billy Zane (Titanic) joins fading sex symbol Estella Warren (Planet of the Apes) for an unintentionally giggle-inducing riff on the fading "psycho bitch" genre made famous by Fatal Attraction.

Facts of the Case

Mikey Taylor (Zane) is a one-hit wonder from the '80s who now writes annoying jingles and lives off his wife's real estate commissions. The good ole days are well behind him, but he's also off the booze, drugs, and casual sex addiction. Along comes a big fan (Warren) who wants him to help her write some songs so she can have a shot at fame. She starts to seduce him with drink, white powder, and rough sex. Soon Mikey finds himself at the mercy of a blonde stalker who seems to know his every move before he makes it. She's the love child of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.

The Evidence

Throughout this entire film I kept wondering "What the hell happened to Billy Zane?" He's certainly been in some sexy thrillers in his time. I loved the man when he was torturing Nicole Kidman on a boat in Dead Calm, and he was creepy awesome in Demon Knight. For Blue Seduction it looks like someone rolled Billy off a couch he had been passed out on for the last few months, and told him to emote through a four-day drinking binge. He mumbles lines, breaks character, wears a ridiculous wig, and looks like he's been eating terribly enough to insure there are not many shirtless scenes. He always seems to be acting from inside a haze, and it gets annoying all too quickly. This is not the guy I remember from the '90s.

Estella Warren fares a little better, but only by a hair. In this case, I mean hair literally. She seems awake, looks quite a bit fresher, and doesn't have to rely on wigs. But a scene in revealing lingerie displays she was probably right next to Billy Zane in the buffet line. It seems the producers want to make this more attractive by advertising "Songs performed by Estella Warren," but that turns out to be pretty bad too. The tunes themselves sound like reheated '80s power ballads, and she adds no power to her vocals. So we have Estella Warren looking heavy and sounding like what you'd expect a swimsuit model to sing like.

It's not that this film has high aspirations to begin with. Blue Seduction was made as a television movie for Canada, so it doesn't have a lot of the R-rated sex and violence you might expect in an erotic thriller of this type. With none of the characters earning our sympathy and no real sense of danger, the film chugs along to a predictable climax involving ineffective cops and abandoned houses. There is the obligatory twist, but it's as lame as the rest of the flick. Other movies have done this much better, and even when they were ridiculous it was still fun (like Beyonce's Obsessed). This one doesn't offer the thrills or the hilarious cat fights we want from something like this. It commits the worst sin: boring the heck out of us, while sucking all the glee from watching a cat and mouse game.

Anchor Bay ushers Blue Seduction out on DVD with a bare bones disc that includes only a trailer for bonus content. The transfer is okay, although it looks about like what you would expect from a television movie out of Canada. Black levels are a little off, meaning some dark scenes reveal murk and grain. Bright scenes have good color control, and detail is above average although never impressive. It's simply middle of the road and what I would label competent. The surround sound is merely there to get the dialogue and rather hideous songs out, and it does that just fine.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

Since Blue Seduction was filmed in Canada, the backgrounds are pretty.

Closing Statement

I can't imagine finding a way to enjoy Blue Seduction unless you sit down to watch it with a standup comedian and two witty robots. It's an unambitious television movie from the Great White North starring two people who look like they weren't quite ready to do an erotic thriller. As a result it's short on thrills either sexy or violent, and often simply boring and far too predictable. Anchor Bay gives it a bare bones release without fanfare or frills. Even fans of Billy Zane and Estella Warren are going to be surprised to see them not on top of their game in any respect. This one's heading straight to the bargain bin in the middle of a Wal-Mart aisle, and even there it will be a disappointment. The only victim here is anybody who sets out to watch it.

The Verdict

Guilty of being a tepid thriller with barely a hint of eroticism, Blue Seduction is sentenced to seven years in the gym for its cast and crew.

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Scales of Justice

Video: 78
Audio: 83
Extras: 15
Acting: 60
Story: 60
Judgment: 59

Perp Profile

Studio: Anchor Bay
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• English
Running Time: 91 Minutes
Release Year: 2009
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Drama
• Thriller

Distinguishing Marks

• Trailer

Accomplices

• IMDb
• Billy Zane Sucks Blog
• Billy Zane Fan Site








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