Now we're talking, brother! Our splatter-loving Judge Patrick Naugle scares up a review of this flick spawned from the television series.
The best vampire/brothel/horror/comedy featuring Dennis Miller and Corey Feldman ever made!
Remember the early '90s?
Remember when the TV show "Tales From The Crypt" was a big hit on HBO?
Remember when the made a full-length theatrical feature called Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight?
Well, that's because Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight sank like a stone at the box office. For some indescribable reason, a second theatrical feature was released a few years later without any fanfare. Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello Of Blood had an even worse fate than its predecessor. But did it deserve such a lackluster box office in its initial release?
Facts of the Case
Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood begins with a crackling intro by everyone's favorite corpse, The Crypt Keeper (John Kassir), as well as a small cameo by William Sadler (Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight, Die Hard 2: Die Harder). The Crypt Keeper introduces us to our feature film Bordello of Blood, using every horror pun he can think of.
Opening in the jungles of Tierra Del Fuegeo, some Indiana Jones wannabes led by Vincent, a midget explorer (Phil Fondacaro), are in search of a hidden treasure. Vincent leads them to a tomb holding the body of a long dead vampire priestess, Lilith (Angie Everhart). Through the undeniable magic of horror films, they bring her back to life using pieces of her heart Vincent found in the four corners of the globe (never mind the fact that the question of why they didn't rot over the years is never addressed). Lilith awakes, attacks everyone in sight, and follows Vincent out (as he holds the key filled with Christ's blood, which keeps Lilith alive).
Back in Los Angeles, Katherine (Erika Eleniak), a devoted Christian working for the shifty Reverend Current (Chris Sarandon), is trying to keep a leash on her younger brother, Caleb (Corey Feldman…yes, THE Corey Feldman). Caleb couldn't care less, heading out to find a good time (*hint hint*) at a local bar. It's here that he runs into a weird biker who lets him in on a little secret: there's a brothel in the local mortuary if the boys are up for a good time. Caleb and his buddy head off to find some action and never return home.
Katherine, being the good Christian sister, worries he might be in trouble and hires P.I. Rafe Guttman (Miller) to help locate Caleb. Guttman is the type of character who…well, actually he doesn't have a character. He's Dennis Miller as a detective, firing off his arsenal of acidic quips and jabs as he snoops out what's really going on at the local funeral parlor.
And there is A LOT going on at the mortuary. Rafe finds a bevy of beauties fornicating like Jimmy Swaggart in the Playboy mansion, led by the demonic Lilith. The only difference is that these girls aren't out for money…they're out for blood! Yes, you guessed it…it's a bordello of vampires!
Now Rafe must find a way to stop these insidious hellhounds before they really screw over the male population!
Ah yes, this is what I live for. When I first saw Bordello of Blood I though it was the best kept secret since the Roswell crashing. As a horror fan, how could you NOT like this film? Let me quickly toss off what this film has going for it:
• Dennis Miller doing his stand-up routine all the way through
And so much more that I could go on and on for hours. This film is really pure horror fun from opening credits to closing scene. Many critics were unfairly crude to this film, citing it was thrown together and inconsistent. True, the film doesn't really follow continuity very well, but is that what you're really looking for? The production values are slick and polished, this being a Universal release as well as being produced by Robert Zemeckis and Joel Silver, so the effects are top-of-the-line. The film was also cited as being unfunny, but I laughed my gonzos off watching Dennis Miller react to all the nonsense going on around him. He's at his best when things get weird and strange (after a prostitute takes off her clothes and shows off her chain link lingerie, Miller quips "You're not going to believe this, but I almost wore that tonight. Wouldn't we have been mortified?").
The rest of the actors are suitable and fun, including Feldman delightfully spoofing his bad boy image. It's always fun to see Chris Sarandon working, especially on the other end of the vampire spectrum (he was the head vampire in Tom Holland's '80s staple Fright Night). As for Angie Everhart…well, normally you'd hear me complain to Kingdom Come about how bad her performance is. Everhart should never ever be allowed on celluloid again. The only reason that I am allowing her performance to pass muster is because she's so dang good-lookin', plus you don't need an Oscar-caliber actress to pull off a sexy brothel owner.
Finally, there are the horror aspects, and for you gore hounds there is plenty to eye in Bordello of Blood. Lots of exploding bodies, all kinds of slime and snot flowing, and monsters a-plenty. Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood packs a lot of fun in its short 87 minutes of play, but I felt like a better man because of it.
Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood is presented in 1.85:1 anamorphic and looks excellent. Grain and speck was non-existent with edge enhancement only spotted once. Colors were bright, blacks solid. Some digital artifacting was seen, though nothing to hinder your viewing enjoyment.
Audio includes Dolby Digital 5.1 and is a great mix, using all speakers nicely (including a well done presentation for your rear speakers). Explosions, gurgling blood, and screaming flow all around you with music and dialogue equalized well. A great mix by Image/Universal.
Extra features? EXTRA FEATURES!?
You don't get no stinkin' extra features.
The Rebuttal Witnesses
I can't think of one thing bad to say about this film, except that Angie Everhart never gets naked. Maybe it'll happen in the sequel…
As for the disc, it's pretty much a bomb in the way of extras. Video and audio fare well though, so it's worth the price you'll pay (only around $9.99).
If you are not a fan of goofy horror films, or are easily offended by naked women or Dennis Miller, you'll want to steer clear of Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood. But, if you're in the mood for a raunchy, fun, entertaining romp, Bordello of Blood is your cup of slime. Mindless entertainment at its maximum, this goes best with a group of frat guys and some Coors Light.
Undeniably innocent on account that you'll never see another vampire/brothel film starring Dennis Miller and Corey Feldman again, ever! Case dismissed!
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Image Entertainment
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