All Rise...

Judge David Johnson thinks these "Bratz" girls have huge heads and would have trouble finding hatz to fit them.

Editor's Note

Our reviews of Bratz (published December 16th, 2007), Bratz: Desert Jewelz (published January 8th, 2012), Bratz: Fashion Pixiez (published March 21st, 2007), Bratz: Good Vibes (published April 10th, 2011), Bratz Kidz: Fairy Tales (published February 27th, 2008), Bratz: Pampered Petz (published October 17th, 2010), Bratz: Super Babyz (published October 24th, 2007), Bratz The Video: Starrin' And Stylin' (published September 16th, 2004), Lil' Bratz: Party Time (published August 20th, 2008), and Livin' It Up! With The Bratz (published August 25th, 2006) are also available.

The Charge

Friendship is the best magic!

Opening Statement

So this isn't a documentary about German sausage? That's a shame. A damn shame.

Facts of the Case

Yasmin, Cloe, Sasha, and Jade are the "Bratz," a quartet of hip teenage girls who bide their time dressing in the hottest computer-generated fashions, talking about cute boys, and singing. One night, while belting it out at their local hangout, a disoriented young girl wanders in. Her name is Katia, and despite her odd behavior, the Bratz take an instant liking to her.

But it doesn't take long for them to realize there's way more than meets the eye to their new friend. Katia is a teenage genie who has just run away from home. Her father, Sebastian, is a former genie now working for a top-secret government agency (you still with me?). When Katia rebels against her father's strict house rules, she takes off.

Now she and her new Bratz friends will have to deal with mysterious henchmen, intent on bringing the rogue genie back. And when they're not running for their lives, the Bratz' (is this the proper punctuation for a plural possessive?) friendship is tested when they fight over the wishes they've gained through meeting Katia. Spies, evil scientists, kidnapping, flying carpets, dating, slutty clothing, it's all here for your 12-year-old girl to absorb. God help you.

The Evidence

This is my first exposure to the "Bratz," and unless $50 bonuses are handed out by our managing editors to endure subsequent releases, I believe it will be my last. No amount of cyberspace prestige is worth suffering through this profoundly irritating animated spectacle.

What are you supposed to do with four giggling girls walking around in barely-there miniskirts, pancaked in make-up, who, oh yeah, also happen to save the world by a conglomerate of evil scientists? On paper it sounds just inane and out-there to work, but the show tries so hard to be edgy and cool and "for-real, yo" it ends up a humorless migraine.

Genie Magic is a bloated episode, running 72 minutes, much of that runtime taken up with stultifying dialogue and a weirdly complex storyline. Perhaps if the show wasn't so shallow, saccharine, and blatantly fake, there may have been an opportunity to deal honestly with these teenaged girl issues. I'm not talking Party of Five here, but the way the show is now I find completely worthless. The characters are all ultra-thin with big eyes and soft features and I don't see how any girl could find them remotely relatable.

Jeez, maybe I'm just being too hard on the Bratz. It's only a cartoon. Perhaps I'm just too out of touch with what's dope and phat for the kids today.

Nah. It sucks. Or rather, suckz. You want to know how chill this disc thinks it is? All of the plurals on the menu system end in "z." Like "Special Featurez" and "Chapterz." Just one more thing that irks me about this show and this release.

Bottom line: if your kids are young enough to enjoy cartoons and like to dress up in stiletto heels and belly shirts and talk about dating hot boys and enjoy gyrating to lame hip hop tracks, yikes, good luck with all that. Er, actually, I mean, I'm sure you have wonderful young daughters! Park them in front of this movie is you want to keep them away from trouble for an hour. That's about the only use I can conjure up for Genie Magic.

Closing Statement

This disc blowz.

The Verdict

The accused is sent off to remedial Karaoke Camp.

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