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Case Number 11114: Small Claims Court

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The Breastford Wives

Secret Key Motion Pictures // 2007 // 79 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // March 30th, 2007

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson once had a parakeet named Breast. Best pet ever.

The Charge

Communication: ZEEB Q'RTYLEEDJWRJSNSDKRUWIAPIOFDRYW to Assistant to the High Commander and Senior Intelligence Officer and Data Entry Specialist, FLERB JONES. Urgent.

The Case

Communication begins.

All hail the great Queen of the Budniks, Mawala V'Wala, and may her 1,000 year reign end with jubilation and the weeping of our enemies' children.

Flerb. I bring to you excellent news. It appears that our long search for the Orb Creatures of Hyperion IV may have finally come to an end. During one of my routine surveillance gatherings in Quadrant Zonk, I secured a primitive digital information disc containing footage of the Orb Creatures. It was by the interminable grace of the blessed Four-necked Splackle that I happened upon this disc. On it is apparent news footage of Orb Creatures wreaking terrible trouble on the species of this planet. Here is the story that I have pieced together:

A man and a woman named Rob and Laura (Glori-Anne Gilbert, Curse of the Komodo) move to a new living community. Rudimentary research into this planet's culture tells me that they are a couple tasked with propagating the species. What they do not know, however, is that the Orb Creatures have invaded the community and settled there to propagate their own species. The news items makes it sound like a scientist of some sort has developed technology to command females of the species to become slaves to their reproductive desire, but, of course, we know this is not the case.

Foul Orb Creatures! From watching the disc, I have concluded that their method of infiltration and societal domination remains the same: upon entering the atmosphere of another planet, these bulbous beasts seek out the female members of the species and attach themselves to their chests. The grotesque monstrosities then begin a parasitic relationship with their hosts, sucking the life force from them, which translates into the hosts muttering incoherent dialogue with a wooden, emotionless delivery. As is common knowledge with Orb Creature physiology, the effects on hosts vary. It appears from this footage, that the Orb Creature venom compels the hosts to shed their clothes at the first sign of a male and—wait, processing…processing…yes, our science officer confirms that what they are doing is in fact copulation. I am told that on this planet, the reproductive process is not nearly as dangerous as it is on our planet as none of the males engaged in the copulation exploded. Remarkable.

I have not yet seen Orb venom as potent as this. The male in this footage will walk into a house and immediately be set upon by one of the female victims and, after turning on some Vlog-forsaken music from their sound player, engage in vigorous—and awkwardly flexible if I may editorialize—reproductive routines. The Orb Creatures have so enveloped their hosts that the mating commences in such venues as a bathing tub, a steaming room, a wash basin, on a blanket in the middle of a wooded area, and a fitness repository (if the process is indeed enjoyable to the male and female I am shocked that they were able to elicit pleasure from the usage of the stationary cycles and muscle-training machines that they indulged upon). Such impatient creatures!

This is how the information disk plays out for 80 or so minutes (the exact unit of time on this planet as well! Crazy, huh?). Occasionally the men and women pause to talk with one another, but it is not long before the Orb Creatures secrete their venom and the clothes fall away. The venom is so active, the females engaged in copulation with each other, a sight I have never seen, though now I find myself strangely intrigued with the method.

Here is the most fascinating aspect of this event: though the Orb Creatures try to disguise themselves as their hosts' anatomy, on this planet, their powers of deception must not be as effective. What colossal, freakish appendages they became after attaching to the females, yet each male seemed not to notice and in fact took even greater pleasure in burying his food-intake hole in the Orb Creatures' rectums, while the host gyrated upon his offspring-delivery system.

That is the end of my report. How the male and his mate turned out, I do not know, for the Orb Creatures were plentiful and the copulation incessant. Regardless, I recommend a prompt neutralization of the community, followed by a detailed scientific study of the Creatures and their hosts. Might I suggest I head up the division tasked with researching the female on female anomalies?

Dude, you so owe me.

Respectfully submitted,


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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 70

Perp Profile

Studio: Secret Key Motion Pictures
Video Formats:
• 1.85:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
• None
Running Time: 79 Minutes
Release Year: 2007
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
• Comedy
• Erotic

Distinguishing Marks

• Trailers


• Official Site

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