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Case Number 17132

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Bridge To Nowhere

Image Entertainment // 2009 // 105 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // August 28th, 2009

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson voted against the bridge to nowhere.

The Charge

Once you cross over, there's no coming back.

Opening Statement

Everyone's hard up for cash these days. Some get part-time jobs. Others move in with their parents. The d-bags in this movie decide to run prostitutes. There's the old American can-do attitude for you.

Facts of the Case

Four buddies from a dilapidated Pittsburgh neighborhood are struggling to make ends meet, wasting away in cheap, unfulfilling jobs, while simultaneously disgruntled and horny. Then one of these geniuses, Brian (Ben Crowley), comes up with the idea of starting a prostitution ring. After finding a couple of Pittsburgh's finest streetwalkers, they convince the girls to join their enterprise. Next up, securing the drugs to keep the girls addicted (really) and for that they go to a local gangster (Ving Rhames, Saving God) for the product.

What could go wrong?

The Evidence

What a completely worthless movie this is. It's shot well, acted competently, and looks fine on DVD. But beneath this serviceable movie-making façade lies an empty exercise in storytelling with no discernible purpose other than to…honestly, I don't know what the point is.

I guess it's about making wrong choices and the disastrous fallout they can have on people, but the choices these ass-clowns make are hardly comparable to the everyday decisions you and I will encounter. I mean come on, these guys are whoring out drug-addicted girls simply because they want money to spend on cars and stuff. No one needs a heart transplant or to buy their kids' robot legs or something—all they want is an Xbox 360.

Right away you're starting with dick characters, and that's what they all are—super-dicks. Even when really bad things start happening to them, with the law breathing down their necks and bullets sailing in their general direction, I was never able to summon even a molecule of sympathy for these guys. How could you?! There's only one friend who's mildly decent, opting to stay in community college while his buddies run ho's, but he's barely in the film. In fact, as the crap mounts on the main characters, I had the exact opposite feeling of sympathy—I wanted them to get screwed over more and more because they were so unlikable.

As far as I'm concerned that's a mortal wound. With no one worthy of pulling for—anti-heroes are at least interesting, not so here—Bridge to Nowhere is essentially dead on arrival. And yes, I get the slice-of-crappy-life approach as a method of storytelling, but again I default back to: what's the point? All Bridge to Nowhere does is cough up 90 minutes of idiotic characters doing really bad stuff and then getting their comeuppance, which, frankly, is the lone salvage point of this entire soggy misadventure.

Nothing much happening on the DVD: 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, 5.1 surround, no extras.

Closing Statement

Bridge to Nowhere: never has a title so perfectly summed up a movie.

The Verdict

Guilty. Throw this one into the hole.

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Scales of Justice

Video: 90
Audio: 85
Extras: 0
Acting: 80
Story: 40
Judgment: 50

Perp Profile

Studio: Image Entertainment
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
• English
• Spanish
Running Time: 105 Minutes
Release Year: 2009
MPAA Rating: Rated R
• Drama
• Thriller

Distinguishing Marks

• None


• IMDb

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