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Case Number 09194

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Carnage For The Destroyer

Tempe Video // 2006 // 55 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // May 5th, 2006

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson has had dry heaves that were more entertaining than this movie.

The Charge

Fifty-five minutes that I could have used to help the poor—gone!

Opening Statement

"Me and my friends bought a new camera and we think we're really funny and wait until you see the scene with the fake penis!"

Facts of the Case

Oh, brother, what a waste of kilobytes this review is. Here's what passes for a plot: a bunch of friends get together to create a haunted house. While screwing around, one of them, a metal-head nerd obsessed with fantasy and mythology, accidentally summons the malevolent demon "Carnage" (we are given his entire back-story in a never-ending expository opening text crawl). The guy proceeds to kill these idiots. The end.

The Evidence

These Tempe releases are a mixed bag. Sometimes you get mediocre-to-okay movies that are actually made by serious filmmakers with a zero budget, but who really try (The Bonesetter, The Bonesetter Returns). And sometimes you get complete trash thrown together by some high school friends with an expensive digital camera who think they're hilarious and look for an excuse to get the girl with huge breasts topless. That would be the category Carnage for the Destroyer falls into.

Forged by writer/director Chris Seaver, who's responsible for a multitude of this crap, dating back to 2001, this abbreviated viewing experience (the most creative material, thankfully, these clowns could muster was 55 minutes) is a complete waste of time and money.

Carnage for the Destroyer is an assemblage of locker room dialogue and inside jokes delivered by people who have nothing better to do on a weekend. The story can be called such in the loosest sense of the word: it's a barely cohesive narrative strung together by wanna-be outrageous gross-out gags. A killer gets loose and he starts murdering characters we all want to see get murdered and that's about it.

I will however grant this turd one kudo: for the first time in God knows how many garbage Tempe releases I've had to sit through, there are actually some authentically gross scenes. Well, it's really just one scene in particular, when a girl with breasts like saddlebags engages in a sex act with Teenape (some broke-ass recurring character in these films). It's all fake of course, but I'll give the filmmakers their due for creating an utterly believable—and wholly stomach-upsetting—sequence, complete with a realistic penis prop and too-real-looking ejaculate. Carnage for the Destroyer is definitely not a movie for young kids.

But it's so crappy it's not a movie for anyone of any age. Monkeys may enjoy it. Unless they have a handful of fecal matter to amuse themselves with, then it's no contest. Poop in the hands all the way. Folks, keep far away.

If the actual feature isn't painful enough for you, there is plenty more punishment to be had in the bevy of extra features. Suffer through two commentary tracks, one by Seaver on his own and the where he's joined by the cast and crew for 55 minutes of screwing around. Then there's a behind-the-scenes documentary and, the dumbest feature of them all, a cast rehearsal, with the "actors" reading through the script and laughing at their own jokes. Almost 40 minutes of that last one! Has the sky turned black like sack-cloth yet?

Closing Statement

When I was in junior high school, I never used the bathrooms. I guess I was just paranoid about being jumped or something. Anyway, I'd hold it all day, and then walk home from school, my bladder often clenched and raring to release. One day I just couldn't make it in time, and the floodgates opened and, there, in the middle of the day on a public street, I thoroughly wet myself. I'd rather experience that again than watch this @#$%-ball of a movie one more time.

The Verdict

Guilty, with extreme prejudice.

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Scales of Justice

Video: 80
Audio: 80
Extras: 80
Acting: 40
Story: 30
Judgment: 35

Perp Profile

Studio: Tempe Video
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
• None
Running Time: 55 Minutes
Release Year: 2006
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
• Bad
• Comedy
• Horror

Distinguishing Marks

• Director's Commentary
• Cast and Crew Commentary
• Behind-the-Scenes
• Cast Rehearsal
• "Epic Metal" Commercial
• Trailers


• IMDb

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