All Rise...

Judge David Johnson thinks this limp comedy needs to be shuffled off to the slaughterhouse.

The Charge

Lights! Camera! Action!

Opening Statement

The National Lampoon continues to lose credibility with this, yet another unfunny sex comedy in a long line of unfunny sex comedies.

Facts of the Case

Three friends desperate for female companionship concoct an overly-elaborate ruse to lure in hapless wannabe actresses. They put out a casting call for a fake independent movie and sift through the applications and audition footage to find the women of their dreams. For Richie Ray (Thomas Ian Nicholas, American Pie) it's more than just a booty call, as he's on the lookout for true love, which of course he'll find after lying and humiliating her in this idiotic scheme.

Girls line up for film and are eager to compromise their moral standards for the chance to be in the movie. And wouldn't you know, Richie spots a girl who has a real chance at being The One—if only he and his friends don't get arrested for fraud.

The Evidence

All the requisite ingredients for a National Lampoon yawner are present and accounted for: muted, irritating rock pop soundtrack, random moments of non-titillating nudity, horny guys with zero scruples, potty-mouthed porno talk and a nice and neat finale that rectifies what is essentially an amazingly offensive sex scheme. Oh, and there aren't any laughs either. But you knew that when you read the words National Lampoon, right?

The most immediate thing that jumped out to me watching this was: "Wow, this movie makes no sense." From the moment these retards hatch the casting call plan to the end twist that snookers the criminal justice system and gets them off of serious charges, the amount of disbelief you'd have to be willing to suspend—moronic sex comedy or no—could only be weighed in Dump Trucks Filled with Gold Bowling Balls:

1) Women are so blinded by their desire to get acting jobs they'd be willing to partake in an audition for a blatantly fake movie company run by three idiots who obviously are just looking for some cheap intercourse.

Suspension of Disbelief Score:
Three Dump Trucks Filled with Gold Bowling Balls

2) Once they get in front of the camera, these so-called serious actresses won't hesitate to remove their tops, even without any bit of provocation or go into graphic detail about their favorite sexual escapades and how important large male genitalia is to them.

Suspension of Disbelief Score:
Two Dump Trucks Filled with Gold Bowling Balls

3) Girls don't mind if you barely know them yet bury your face in their breasts and blow. In fact, they think it's the sexiest thing in the world.

Suspension of Disbelief Score:
Four Dump Trucks Filled with Gold Bowling Balls

4) Undercover investigators routinely fellate suspects.

Suspension of Disbelief Score:
Five Dump Trucks Filled with Gold Bowling Balls

5) When it's time to arrest suspected fraudsters, it doesn't hurt your case to embarrass them first by videotaping two female bodybuilders sexually assaulting them in a motel room.

Suspension of Disbelief Score:
Three Dump Trucks Filled with Gold Bowling Balls

6) The beautiful, sensitive, dignified woman that you are hopelessly in love with will forgive you for lying to her face, belittling her career and skull@#$%$#@&$ her emotions.

Suspension of Disbelief Score:
Five Dump Trucks Filled with Gold Bowling Balls

7) A half-assed sentimental speech will free you from a potentially harrowing stint in prison for a serious fraud charge.

Suspension of Disbelief Score:
Ten Dump Trucks Filled with Gold Bowling Balls

A clean 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer and 5.1 Dolby Digital surround is all that's of note on the DVD. No extras.

Closing Statement

Unfunny, unsexy and unbelievable, Cattle Call is all fat and gristle.

The Verdict

Guilty. Sentence: a vigorous, repetitive prodding.

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