Judge David Johnson thinks singing chipmunks are just what this country needs.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
) Count 1-3: Transportation of a Minor Woodland Animal Across State Lines
THE GRAND JURY CHARGES:
Defendant DAVID SEVILLE also known as "DAVE" has cohabitated with the three minors (known in this indictment as ALVIN, SIMON, and THEODORE.) for several years.
Little is known of how and when SEVILLE first encountered the chipmunks, but it is posited that he took them in when they were very young. At the time, SEVILLE was a struggling musician, and upon recognizing the musical talents of the chipmunks, started them on mandatory singing lessons.
Widely regarded as a modern miracle of sociobiology, the chipmunks eventually learned to walk on their hind legs, dressed in form-fitting one-pieces, began speaking fluent English, and, amazingly, gained the ability to harmonize.
SEVILLE realized that he had found a ticket to fame and fortune with his trio of singing rodents and started the three on a brutal regimen of vocal training and studio recording.
Eventually, ALVIN, SIMON, and THEODORE were permanently adopted by SEVILLE, though there is no existing paperwork or legal documentation to support the living arrangement.
SEVILLE has long asserted that he indeed filed the necessary paperwork with the United States Parks Department, but no such evidence has been found to date.
Even if the adoption were legal, friends and neighbors of SEVILLE have unanimously testified to the defendant's incompetence as a parent of guardian of a forest creature.
They attest he is a vastly unsuitable disciplinarian, and is often spotted collapsed, on the ground, wracked with exhaustion from trying to control the chipmunks' mischief. ALVIN in particular has proven to be more than SEVILLE can handle (please refer to accompanying Exhibit A116-78 for amateur home video of ALVIN filling the wading pool with mashed potatoes followed by SEVILLE incessantly shouting "Alvin!" until he passes out).
Regardless, lacking the mandatory permits and documentation, SEVILLE has been found to be in repeated violation of the Woodland Animals Protection and Parental Rights Act of 1975.
Enclosed is the following footage, taken during separate Christmases the chipmunks spent with the defendant. The 24 minute episodes have been split up and labeled as such: "A Chipmunk Christmas" (1981) "Merry Christmas Mr. Carroll" (1988), and "Dave's Wonderful Life" (1989).
The first of the three deals with the chipmunks attempts to comfort an impoverished child and buy him a harmonica. The GRAND JURY points to the desperate attempts by the chipmunks to pool enough money to purchase such a meager gift as evidence of financial neglect by the defendant.
Number two documents ALVIN's hallucinatory experience with several ghosts (reminiscent of "The Christmas Carol") and how he learns the true meaning of Christmas in time to complete a school assignment. The connection with purported house-wide PCP use is bolstered by this damning footage.
Finally, the defendant himself is almost exclusively featured in the third installment, where he audibly laments his abilities to properly care for the chipmunks, and subsequently launches into his own hallucination of the chipmunks' life without him. (Investigators have determined that defective tile grout in the bathroom is the reason for the temporary psychosis.)
End of charges.
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