All Rise...

Judge David Johnson never wants to watch an Olympian clash again.

The Charge

Twenty-three hours of incomprehensible plots, awful dubbing and greasy deltoids.

The Case

Mill Creek Entertainment strikes again! The reigning king of Packaging Huge Amounts of Loosely Connected Cinematic Crap Together unveils its newest offering with Clash of the Olympians: a four-discs, dual-sided, no frills 16-movie megapack of antiquated films starring huge meatheads swinging swords at each other with the occasional moon man appearance. Here are the films that await you on this set:

• Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens
• The Avenger
• The Giant of Marathon
• The Giants of Rome
• The Giants of Thessaly
• The Goliath and the Sins of Babylon
• Hercules against the Mongols
• Hercules Against the Moon Men
• Hercules and the Captive Women
• Hercules and the Masked Rider
• Hercules and the Princess of Troy
• Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon
• Hercules Unchained
• Herod the Great
• Kindar the Invulnerable
• Spartacus and the Ten Gladiators

That's a lot of…material. As you can no doubt surmise, the worthless to worthwhile ration is heavily tilted toward the former, but fans of bizarre, low-budget goofiness can find some value in this enormous collection. My favorite is Hercules and the Captive Women, which finds our hero pretty much meeting one (singular) captive woman before doing battle with a rubber iguana monster, a lion, and a snake. Then you have Hercules Against the Moon Men a title no doubt familiar to Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans. The Moon Men largely don't figure into the story until the end, but when they hit and you see the beauty of their costumes and the nuance of…screw it, they suck, just like pretty much every other movie on this set.

There is value in some late night community derision. Amazon currently has the set available for $15, and if you and your friends enjoy lounging around mercilessly making fun of Godawful films, it might be money worth investing. You can have the dormmates throw in some cash. It's the cost of a large pizza.

Be warned that Clash of the Olympians features some of the worst DVD technical treatments I've ever come across. The mono sound is unbearable, sometimes indecipherable and the video quality fluctuates from passable to nearly opaque, depending on the film. Packaging is equally awful, a fat plastic box housing four, two-sided DVDs with four films on each.

The Verdict

Guilty of kicking me in my brain's crotch—but there is a molecule of value for the smart-asses out there.

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