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Case Number 05913: Small Claims Court

Buy Cold Feet at Amazon

Cold Feet

Lionsgate // 1989 // 94 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Appellate Judge Erick Harper (Retired) // January 7th, 2005

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All Rise...

Judge Erick Harper recommends battery-powered socks if you suffer from this ailment. If you suffer from having watched this film—you're on your own.

The Charge

A comic fable about greed, lust and high-fashion footwear.

The Case

An untrustworthy cowboy, a psychotic-yet-sensitive hitman, and a nymphomaniac with a food addiction have banded together to steal a fortune in emeralds and smuggle them into the USA from south of the border. Their plot involves having a veterinarian surgically conceal the emeralds in a prize breeding stallion. When they get to the US they will simply shoot the horse and cut out the jewels with a jackknife.

When they get across the border, Monte, the cowboy (Keith Carradine, The Duellists), jilts the other two and rides off on the horse, making for his brother's ranch in Montana. Kenny the hitman (singer/composer/actor Tom Waits, Mystery Men) and Maureen the nympho (Sally Kirkland, Anna, EdTV) set out in a monster-sized RV, hot on his trail. Kenny is out for revenge, and Maureen longs to marry Monte and live in a home with a restaurant-quality kitchen and walk-in freezer.

Now, this scenario sounds like a potential goldmine for either comedy or suspense, but winds up painfully short of either one. Waits gets the few good lines in the script and has a few deliciously trippy scenes, such as doing sit-ups out the window of a pickup truck while yelling "I'm a man!" much to the horror of the Mexican family in the next lane. For the most part, though, Cold Feet is a long, boring trip, and even Waits's psycho routine grows stale after about four or five attempts to use it to create some sort of interest. Even Rip Torn (The Beastmaster) manages only to generate a minor amount of amusement when he shows up as a local sheriff in Montana. Keith Carradine, although his character is supposedly a complete weasel, comes across as his usual sincere and believable screen persona. Kirkland fares the worst. Her character has to contend with flowery, overwrought speeches full of melodrama that are meant to generate some degree of humor, but which tend to fall flat. The stunning Ms. Kirkland definitely makes for a visual treat, but no one could make her dialogue work.

This insanely uninteresting little number was originally released in 1989 and was quickly and deservedly forgotten. However, thanks to Lions Gate it is now available on DVD in a lovely full-frame transfer. The portion of the picture that they have seen fit to give you lacks sharpness, and colors seem just a bit faded. Also, there are several defects in the print such as scratches. Strobing and moiré are visible in parallel patterns, such as the split rail fences on Monte's brother's ranch. The audio is listed as Dolby Digital 2.0 Surround, but it is so good you'll swear it's mono and that you have a cold.

This is a substandard disc of a bad and stupid movie. Stay far, far away from this one.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 55

Perp Profile

Studio: Lionsgate
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 94 Minutes
Release Year: 1989
MPAA Rating: Rated R
Genre:
• Comedy

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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