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Case Number 04246: Small Claims Court

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Cops: Bad Girls

Fox // 1989 // 49 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge Eric Profancik (Retired) // April 15th, 2004

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All Rise...

Judge Eric Profancik doesn't think that hookers, drug dealers, shoplifters, or women who terrorize Asian families with crowbars should be considered "bad" girls. He must have grown up in a maximum security prison or something.

Editor's Note

Our reviews of Cops: 20th Anniversary Edition (published February 29th, 2008), Cops: Caught In The Act (published April 15th, 2004), Cops: Shots Fired (published April 15th, 2004), and COPS: Wildest Chases (published October 20th, 2015) are also available.

The Charge

I haven't felt this dirty in days.

The Case

How expected is it of me, the happy reviewer, to talk about the theme song to this show? I hope not too much because I'm done. That's all you're going to get out of me about that oddly popular song. Instead, let's talk about the theme to this disc: "bad girls." After more than 10 years on the air, Cops should have plenty of juicy material to sift through to find the baddest girls out there; at least, that's a logical conclusion on my part.

If you agree with me, then you're mistaken.

This compilation disc, filled with 49 minutes of footage about "bad girls," in reality contains zero minutes of footage of bad girls. Culled from a variety of cities, this disc shows you some of the most pathetic women out there. But they're not bad. Let's see what these girls did to warrant inclusion on this disc:
• Forth Worth, Texas: A mentally challenged (my deduction) hooker takes off her pants and panties and gives the hood of a car a lap dance. Sad? Yes. Disgusting? Yes. Bad? No.
• Nashville, Tennessee: A mentally challenged (read: dumb) truck driver tells a cop that two hookers, whom he had no previous contact with, stole his wallet. Of course, the driver hired the hookers, who instantly turn on the guy. While one hooker goes peacefully, the other refuses to put her hands behind her back to be cuffed. And then she cries. Gross? Yes. Stupid? Yes. Bad? No.
• Des Moines, Iowa: Road rage explodes when an overweight woman takes a crowbar to an Asian family's car. Dumb? Yes. Scary? Yes. Bad? Almost.
• Albuquerque, New Mexico: A woman and her four children are pulled over because the car doesn't have any license plates. The woman claims to have just purchased the junker but doesn't have any paperwork or proof of ownership. And, most certainly, she doesn't have a driver's license either. The curious cop investigates, finding pounds of drugs in the car. Idiotic? Yes. Unmotherly? Yes. Bad? No.
• Virginia Beach, Virginia: Two women get into a little scuffle in front of a house. One girl enjoys a little mace in the face courtesy of the officer on scene, while the other girl gets to go into her house. Eventually police release the second girl without charging her. Exciting? Mildly. Good 'n Macey? Yes. Bad? Nope.
• Tacoma, Washington: Three girls in a minivan steal some CDs from a guy at a gas station. Cool? No. Wicked? No. Exciting? No. Bad? God no.
• Mesa, Arizona: A potentially mentally challenged or drunk girl (can't tell which) gets whiny over a pack of cigarettes. Boring? Yes. Annoying? Yes. Pathetic? Yes. Bad? Hell no!

Connect the dots, and you'll easily see that this disc doesn't live up to its billing in the least. Instead of being treated to bad girls, we're forced to watch these dismal women as they whimper at officers, curse at their neighbors, try not to get handcuffed, and cry when they sober up and realize the folly of their actions. This disc, to avoid claims of false advertising, really should be called "Sad Girls." That's an honest assessment of whom you'll see featured on this compilation.

I remember back in the day when I used to watch this show. It was borderline cool, or at least mildly interesting at times, and I would tune in and see what trouble the ruffians were brewing that week. But everything gets boring after a while, and so did Cops. I've long abandoned watching it, but now, sometimes out of curiosity, I pause for a second or two when flipping channels. If I have company and want to be mean, I've been known to actually stay on Fox for a couple of minutes. This disc will do nothing to make you want to watch new episodes of Cops, nor will it leave you with the urge to own any of these discs. Instead, you'll just be further resolved to keep your distance. If you do end up watching this disc, the transfers are purely average; neither the audio nor the video has anything to stand out as positive or negative. It really is just like watching the show.

If you think you've sunk to new lows, there's still further to fall thanks to the one bonus feature on the disc. For your viewing pleasure, an additional 17 minutes of footage is included under the caption of "Too Hot for TV." Far from hot, these scenes make you feel like putting on a wifebeater and painting the town red. I felt dirty, ashamed, and barren. This extra material was white-trash heaven from start to finish. It starts off so bad that I was on the edge of turning it off due to its graphic and revolting depiction of biker hags…I mean biker babes. These fat, ugly women are parading around, showing off their naked bodies, thinking they're all that and a bag of chips! But, they are scum personified. Did I really want to see those saggy breasts? Did I really need to see that cottage cheese bum with a thong stuck in the crack? No on both counts! Once you get past this atrocity, you can then watch dumb women swear without being bleeped! This bonus footage should have been left on the cutting room floor. It isn't hot; it's just sad.

All in all, you're best off skipping this disc. (And I'm willing to venture that this holds true for the other Cops compilations in stores as well.) Trust me, if you watch this crap, you'll kill many a brain cell and feel so low and dirty that you'll need a very long shower.

Case adjourned.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 25

Perp Profile

Studio: Fox
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
• English
Running Time: 49 Minutes
Release Year: 1989
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
• Bad
• Crime
• Documentary
• Television

Distinguishing Marks

• Too Hot for TV Bonus Footage


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• Official Site

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