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Case Number 05074

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Countess Dracula's Orgy Of Blood

Image Entertainment // 2004 // 87 Minutes // Unrated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // August 27th, 2004

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson feels that "Countess DDracula" would be a more apt title.

The Charge

Lust is eternal.

Opening Statement

A hard-hitting, blood-drenched contribution to an ever-expanding vampire mythos, a dark, penetrating journey into the will of pure evil, or a bunch of women making out with each other?

Facts of the Case

It is the 19th century, and villages all over are being terrorized by vampires with bulbous, fake breasts. The diabolical Diana (Glori-Anne Gilbert, Curse of the Komodo) sports an insatiable vampiric thirst for nude lesbian hijinks. As such, she seduces a young farm girl in her own home, while her husband sits unwittingly in the next room, oblivious to the moans of pleasure and the cheesy love music pouring from her wife's boudoir.

But promiscuous undead sex addicts don't have it as easy as you might think. Father Jacinto (Paul Naschy) is a vampire-killer, on the trail of the evil Lord Ruthven, to whom Diana reports. The father locates Ruthven's tomb, following Diana and her new vamp-nymph (a simple task, considering Diana's breasts can be viewed from the moon), and proceeds to plunge his stake into Diana—and no, I'm not speaking figuratively here—and her master. The two shrivel up and die, and you think that would be the end of it, huh?

Not so.

Now we're in modern day Los Angeles, and Count Dracula himself has decided to resurrect his pal Ruthven. However, much to the chagrin of the newly materialized dark lord, a curse placed on him by his killer so many years ago, prevents him from sucking blood—unless it's been filtered through another vampire's bloodstream.

Next to awaken then is Ruthven's old servant, Diana, now unleashed into the world, her lust and burning loins fully intact. And so the sinister scheme is in motion: Diana gets jiggy with her prey, then Ruthven drinks deep from her blood; lather, rinse, and repeat.

But someone from Diana's past may throw a monkey wrench into the operation—and by that, I of course mean, lots of girls will make out with each other.

The Evidence

How about I cut through the baloney and just tell it like it is?

If you're thinking of snagging a copy of Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood, I'd hazard it's not the high-powered narrative or witty repartee that grabs you. This flick is a sequence of girl-on-girl scenes, with various permutations of six different women pawing at each other. That's it, all 87 minutes of it. Take it or leave it. Well, seeing as I should probably fill up more space, I guess I'll blather on a bit longer. The movie is extremely low-budget, the film stock about one grade above your trip to SeaWorld, the acting is stilted and goofy and the dialogue is atrocious. But Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood isn't jockeying for Best Picture contention. Its main goal is to submit a canoe-load of nudity and huffing and puffing, and throw in some gore gags and minute plot development for kicks.

The love scenes are all super-contrived and pop out of nowhere—specifically the opening and closing segments, the latter tacked-on, presumably, because up until that point the film had lacked a threesome—and offer up the typical pedigree: long bouts of robotic frottage set to ambiance-engulfing power ballads. Gilbert bears most of the grinding and writhing responsibility; she's certainly attractive, but in that air-brushed, synthetic way.

The hokey plot was actually goofy enough to keep me entertained (particularly the ham-fisted acting of the male leads, unwilling perhaps to acknowledge that they play nineteenth fiddle to a pair of gigantic breasts). And the special effects—yes there are some!—were cheap enough to yield some laughs. I especially loved the vampire "skeletons" (read: fifth period Bio surplus).

The studio packed a surprisingly good amount of extras onto the disc—a gag reel, a creatures featurette, and a commentary track. The latter is the highlight, featuring writer/director Donald Glut, Glori-Anne Gilbert, and editor Dean McKendrick. I have to confess that it is quite interesting to listen to the trio charging forward, offering insight and trivia and technical tidbits during a five-minute ménage a trois.

A fairly clean transfer comes across nicely in the widescreen transfer; sure the video is pretty lamentable, but it's not the DVD's fault. A 5.1 stereo surround is your audio presentation, though it sounds just like a typical stereo mix.

Closing Statement

Allow me to repeat the title: Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood. I don't think I need to say any more.

The Verdict

The accused is found guilty for sloughing of a few more precious brain cells. Glori-Ann Gilbert is granted her own postal code.

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Scales of Justice

Video: 85
Audio: 80
Extras: 85
Acting: 50
Story: 50
Judgment: 70

Perp Profile

Studio: Image Entertainment
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 87 Minutes
Release Year: 2004
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Genres:
• Bad
• Erotic
• Horror

Distinguishing Marks

• Director's Commentary
• Gag Reel
• Creatures Featurette
• Trailer

Accomplices

• IMDb








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