Judge David Johnson's dancing sucks almost as bad as his ninjitsu.
He's a kung fool fighter.
Originally released in 2010, someone somewhere decided that it would be a swell idea to dig up Dancing Ninja and throw it out to the masses. Yada yada yada I asked my editor to give me a surprise DVD to review and he, in his unbridled malevolence, opted to send this to me. So now I get to share my experience with you and, together, we can work through the pain.
A mysterious American baby arrives in Asia when he's plucked out of the sea. There is something special about him; the birthmark on his shin reveals that he has a part to play in a legendary prophecy. As young Ikki (Lucas Grabeel, High School Musical) grows up, he yearns for only one thing: to be come a great ninja. But he gets zero respect from his betters, mainly because he's terrible at martial arts.
One night, as he's wandering the streets, despondent and free of ninja training, he stumbles across a dancing video game and gets hooked. Flash-forward past a montage and Ikki has turned himself into a stellar break dancer. The next step? Melding his hip new moves with some chopsocky and he will be ready to fulfill his destiny: take down the diabolical fight promoter Ladouche (David Hasselhoff, Anaconda 3).
Weirdo movie. At first blush, it looks painfully stupid. After the first few minutes, I found myself semi-into the light touch and the on-screen energy. But as the film wore on, the fog lifted and, yep, Dancing Ninja is really dumb. Really, really, really dumb. And, worse, it's not even that funny. The "dance-fighting" gag flounders early and the writing isn't nearly sharp enough to compensate for the stupidity. Hasselhoff mugs like a champ and wears some truly gaudy suits, but he's not given enough premium B-grade dialogue to properly chew scenery.
I recall the moment where it hit me how dumb this movie really is: David Hasselhoff breaking into song. Granted, I should have fully expected this. I don't care how emotionally prepared for it you might think you are, but the tight zoom on Hasselhoff's crotch bulge is a devourer of souls.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Inception Media Group
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