Judge P.S. Colbert insists on poor improvisation, crude photography, and bad dubbing for all his sex scenes.
"BECAUSE Dandy couldn't stop with JUST a good-night kiss…this film MUST be rated X."
Admittedly, I was still suffering ill effects from witnessing Miley Cyrus on the VMAs when I popped this screener in. Nevertheless, I can't imagine ever feeling so good (not legally, anyhow) that I'd regard Dandy as anything but a dirty, dim-witted dud.
Eighteen year old Dandy Damon (Cynthia Denny) has graduated high school, quit her mama's house, and vows to do whatever it takes to keep from going back. Of course, she'll need somewhere to stay until she finds a job and can afford her own place.
Unfortunately, Dandy makes these declarations to Jocko (John Romano), the muscular hunk she's just made it with on the beach. Ever the gentleman, Jocko offers her his bed ("Don't worry, Baby, you'll EARN your keep!") and even sets up an employment opportunity for her with a talent agent.
Enter Larry Lebot (John Alderman, The Stunt Man), the man with the groovy connections and a far-out mustache. After a casting couch audition, Lebot sends Dandy on her first professional assignment: a girl-on-girl photo shoot for a nudie magazine. Things don't go so well, and when the photographer reports back to Lebot, he decides her modeling days are over—though he does have another job for her—if she really wants the bread, that is.
"It's Hooking; a hundred dollars a trick."
"Why not?" Dandy says. "I'm giving it away, I might as well sell it."
The "John" orders Dandy into the hotel room bathtub, where first he scrubs her down like she was Karen Silkwood. He then climbs into bed (where she waits in the nude) without taking off his clothes, pulls the sheets up around him and seems to slip into a catatonic state.
"Hey, Mister" Dandy inquires. "Haven't you ever bought a woman before?"
That scene's a bit too creepy for our girl, who splits without even collecting, and frankly, I couldn't blame her. This "trick" scene was the only effective one in the film, masterfully creating and building paranoid suspense with inertia. Too bad it's only a few of eighty-two otherwise seemingly interminable minutes.
On and on she goes—to a group grope, a Lesbian drug den, an orgy for married swingers, and even to finding her true love, a photographer named Anson (Mason Backman). Or, at least, she thinks he's her true love—he's easily twice her age, agrees to shoot pictures for her portfolio (though he never delivers them), has sex with her, and then angrily dumps her after finding out that he's not the only man who's ever seen her nude. Note: his relationship with her thus far has lasted all of one day!
Poor Dandy, will she ever get it together and find happiness, or at least a place to stay tomorrow night? I couldn't care less. Judging by her performance, neither could Ms. Denny, who resembles a low-rent version of Cissy Davis from Family Affair, and to her credit, has a killer body that she's not at all shy about showing.
Written, directed and co-produced by former Playboy photographer R. Charleton Wilson, this crudely shot "soft-core" porn gets an appropriately shoddy release from Code Red. The screener I was provided had enough dirt, debris, and banding trouble to qualify as a non-cosmetic plastic surgery patient.
On the other hand, the flat mono sound faithfully reports the witless dialog (thankfully kept to a minimum) and tuneless score (composed by Billy Dee, and performed by Billy's Coloring Book, in case you're thinking of phoning in a request to your local radio station). Code Red trailers bookend this release, with the ever-present Family Honor preceding the feature.
Technical notes: the actor's credits here come straight from the end of the film itself, though every other source I found credits David Roya (Billy Jack) for playing "Jocko," and John Vincent (The Psycho Lover) for playing "Anson." Perhaps the actors felt pseudonyms would better serve them here.
Unofficially rated X (not certified by the MPAA) in 1970, this DVD re-release has no official rating, but its content would most likely merit an "R" rating today. Caveat Emptor.
Wash yourself thoroughly after viewing. Rinse. Repeat.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Code Red
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