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Case Number 18290

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A Dangerous Man

Paramount // 2009 // 94 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // February 10th, 2010

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson presents the overdue Coleridge-inspired Steven Seagal movie review.

The Charge

The Rime of The Dangerous Man
(with apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge)

The Case

It is a Dangerous Man
And he killeth one of three
By thy slicked back hair and squinty eyes
Now wherefore killeth thou me?

The Dangerous Man's fists are opened wide,
And he's ready to begin,
With shoves and slaps and kicks and smacks,
May'st hear the violent din!

He holds me with his liver-spotted hand,
"Time to die," snarls he!
"But wait, unhand me, wrinkled goon!"
Efstoons his hand slapped me.

He holds me with his tiny eye—
Powerless, I stood still,
And listened like a frightened child;
The Dangerous Man hath his will

Exhausted, I collapsed on a stone;
I have no choice but hear;
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The squinty-eyed Dangerous Man:
The judge sprung me from jail, my record cleared,
Perturbed, did I drop
Out of society, I had my fill,
But then I saw the local cop.

a dangerous man

The thug came up upon his left,
Out of the SUV came he!
And his gun shone bright, and on the right
His partner kicked him in the knee.

Higher and higher he screamed away,
He wailed like a baboon,
So I, the Dangerous Man, did beat my breast,
And kicked ass like a pudgy typhoon.

The thug hath collapsed into a ball,
Red as a rose is he,
Bleeding from the head before he dies,
Dude went down with ease.

The Dangerous Man beats his breast,
And cannot choose but hear,
The cries of the innocent boy and girl,
Into the SUV they veer.

And now the exposition came, and he
Was tedious and long;
The girl's smuggling in her Chinese uncle,
And the bad guys think that's wrong.

With corrupt cops and Triads in tow,
Who pursued us with yell and blow
Have made themselves a fearsome foe,
And, wow, do they want us dead,
So we drove fast, intent to beat their ass,
To their headquarters aye we sped.

And now there comes both fists and deathblow,
And I grew wondrously bold:
And bodies of the villains came tumbling by,
As dead as Solid Gold.

And through it all, my hands so swift,
I did rupture many a spleen;
But no man came close to laying fists on me,
My wardrobe did stay clean.

So now I'm here (I was just over there),
And I've got you on the ground:
Your bones are cracked and snapped, and check out my scowl,
(No one has a more serious frown).

At length did I find my voice,
Through the blood it came;
"This all seems so familiar,
Like it's the same movie, under a new name."

"There's a girl in distress,
And round and round you fight,
And the faces do split with a thunder-fit,
And the predictable script doth steers us through!"

"Also, correct me if I'm wrong, for, as a villain,
Your fights I did follow,
It sure looked like a stunt man was doing most of the work,
If untrue, I find it hard to swallow."

"You strike me, sir, as rotund and old,
Aged perhaps like a fine wine,
Or maybe more like a mug of leathery beer,
Or a bathtub of Moonshine."

"God save thee, Dangerous Man,
From the scripts that plague thee thus!"
And intent on harm, he shot out his fore-arm
And snapped my neck with the thrust.

The Verdict

"Ah, wretch! 'Tis Guilty!"

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Scales of Justice

Video: 85
Audio: 85
Extras: 0
Acting: 65
Story: 60
Judgment: 62

Perp Profile

Studio: Paramount
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• English
• French
• Spanish
Running Time: 94 Minutes
Release Year: 2009
MPAA Rating: Rated R
Genres:
• Action
• Thriller

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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