All Rise...

Judge David Johnson likes his sushi the same way he likes his hamburger: Dead.

The Charge

The sushi bites back.

The Case

The following is letter written to Judge David Johnson from his eyeballs.

Dear Dave,

We've been through a lot together. Granted, we sort of dropped the ball a while ago, what with the astigmatism and all, but we both agree you rebounded nicely, turning the glasses into a genuinely sleek look. But this isn't about the distant past. This letter is about the present. Namely, the sights you insist on subjecting us to.

We understand your commitment to DVD Verdict, reviewing the titles you're assigned in good faith. We were just as excited as you were eight years ago when you landed the job. We were oh so young and naïve back then! All we saw was the promise of exciting new cinematic discoveries, a visual journey we would experience together!

And you know, for a while there, it was exciting. Sure there were too many Troma films thrown in for our liking, but those turned out to be a fair trade for the overseas kung-fu delights and occasional Christopher Nolan Batman movies that came our way.

Then things started getting weird. Why the fascination with Full House, Dynasty, and Make It or Break It? Or Entrails of a Virgin for gawdsakes?! That's when we started to suspect something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

But we held out hope you would eventually come to your senses. We're nothing if we're not loyal. We just figured with the responsibilities of a new job and a growing family you'd be less inclined to subject us to the weird and off-putting stuff, content to sustain yourself on a regular diet of fitness DVDs, Power Rangers, British crime dramas, and Hallmark original movies.

Imagine our shock and dismay when you spooled up something called Dead Sushi on Blu-ray, in which a disgraced researcher coats sushi in a local inn with enzymes that make them come to life and kill people, including the head of the pharmaceutical company responsible for this man's dismissal. Is this what we've now been reduced to?!

You might have though it funny, tweaking us to see how far you could push things, but enough is enough. There's only so much CGI-generated bloodletting, squid-facial-impaling, sushi-powered decapitations, and tongue lacerations we can take. Not to mention the incoherent humor. A giant homicidal, horny tuna? Really??

All we can say is we sure hope you enjoyed it, because guess what champ? This is the last time we're doing this together. You were already treading on this ice and then deliberately requested this movie for us to review. It's an unforgivable breach of trust and, frankly, this relationship cannot go forward without trust.

Goodbye, Dave.

Sincerely,
Your Eyeballs

The Verdict

Dear Eyeballs,

Screw you. Dead Sushi ruled.

Love,
Dave

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