All Rise...

Judge David Johnson can't take it anymore. He's going to snap if he has to sit through another one of these homegrown horror comedies that make no sense. Hide the women and puppy dogs!

The Charge

Man, monkey and monster face off in an apocalyptic showdown.

Opening Statement

The fellas behind the aptly titled Low Budget Pictures, are back for their most recent offering, pairing their two "hit" characters together for a bloody, tasteless, coherency-starved romp.

Facts of the Case

Mr. Bonejack (Chris Seaver, also the director) and Teen Ape (Casey Bowker) work for the P.I.A. (an acronym for some kind of paranormal investigative squad; I wasn't paying attention) and are known for their efficiency, horniness and collateral damage. They've been called upon to embark on their deadliest mission yet: facing off against the Wolf Man, Dracula and Frankenstein's monster.

What else can I tell you? Well, there's a lot of talking and swearing and mugging for the camera and Teen Ape (the dude who runs around in a rubber ape mask) can't shut up about how he wants to have sex with the newest team recruit (Ariauna Albright) and they meet up with a three-person squad of wannabe Ghostbusters and it all culminates in a giant headache of Karo syrup and unattractive high school girls gnawing on rubber genitals.

The Evidence

Does any of the above sound appealing to you? Frankly, even if it does, I doubt you'll enjoy your 60-odd minutes with Chris Seaver and his cronies. Like all of the other Low Budget Pictures productions I've endured over the course of my tenure, Destruction Kings seems less like entertainment for the masses and more like a bunch of friends making fart jokes for their friends who aren't in the movie to laugh at.

Not much has evolved over the course of LBP's creative timeline. Most of the same actors are still running around, most with a few more facial imperfections than before and squeakier voices. The sophomoric toilet humor is fully intact and the nonsensical plotting remains, however. Oh, and through practice it looks like the special effects guys have learned to wield the powers of blood spurting and deli meat manipulation to a greater degree.

As for dialogue, acting and story, it's all the lame-old, lame-old. The bulk of the film's runtime is consumed with kids hanging around their high school or community technical institute, spouting off the almost-but-not-quite witty repartee Seaver has cooked up, peppering the line delivery with ridiculous facial contortions and profanity. It's all a means to an end of course, and that endgame is two-pronged: a) lead into the climactic fight scene at the end where the gore effects fly and b) produce a DVD to distribute to the hapless masses, crammed with more inside jokes than an episode of Arrested Development.

Some good things for me to say about this waste of time: the blood and guts aren't terrible, and these guys aren't shying away form letting the liquid fly; also, everyone seems to be having a good time doing what they're doing, so props to their independent making-movies-is-fun sensibilities. Too bad the finished product is such a blood fart.

Full frame, 2.0 stereo all the way, though the digital picture looks better than earlier entries in the LBP canon. Seaver and Bowker do a self-aggrandizing commentary, spotted with much levity and not nearly enough apologizing. The rest of the bonus features: a slide show, trailers, a Debbie Rochon retrospective, and some outtakes.

Closing Statement

Uggh.

The Verdict

Two words: Repeat offender.

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