Do you ding dong?
The dopey Cave Dwellers and the disgusting Lake People just can't seem to get along. The males constantly make "war" with each other by engaging in rather homosexual looking hand/head to body part combat. The women find this less than acceptable and decide that if their skull clubbers don't stay home and give them lots of "ding-dong," they will go on sex strike. The men, too obsessed with letting their testosterone flow in a decidedly battle-oriented fashion, continue with their plans to annihilate each other. So the ladies travel to the sacred mountain and place their primitive poontang on hold. They even get the lakeside lassies in on the "no nookie" action. And still the clueless cavern cretins make weapons and fight for their right to act like idiots. Eventually, the cave village girly man discovers oil, and when he drinks it, he stops mincing and starts making all the animal skirt in the surrounding area. As the he-men continue to clash and the she-male counts his conquests, we learn that there was no more retarded an era than When Men Carried Clubs and Women Played Ding Dong.
Meanwhile, poor Charlie Wishnick. His life just can't suck any harder. He is married to a shrewish wife who spends her days in curlers and her nights prostrate in their trashy trailer home. His job as a sewer repairman guarantees that he's going to have piss and poop all over him. And his best friend is a German jerk that's turning an old Model T cruising car into a time machine. One day, after regaling his pet dog with old vaudeville and burlesque comedy sketches (which we witness in endless detail) and going to a company party were he gets decidedly blotto, he escapes his own personal Kate by taking off in the nutty Nazi's epoch hopping contraption. He hopes to land in Cleopatra's naked arms. He ends up in a nudist colony full of Neanderthals. Seems the way back machine went all the way back to the Stone Age. There he is put on trial for invading the Homosapien settlement. He also meets up with a bunch of horny cave girls who, oddly, all want his decrepit old hide. Eventually Charlie runs into a pituitary case giant that he thwarts with his exploding top hat (no kidding) and woos the sensual (and obviously blind and insane) Zelda, who loves our lanky loser. Apparently, a dirty old letch has to travel all the way back to 50,000 B.C. (Before Clothing) to get a little action.
When Men Carried Clubs and Women Played Ding Dong should have been a better naughty nudie motion picture. The Italians, never known for their delicate touch when it comes to the sex farce, must have been able to come up with something funnier, cleverer, or at least less snooze inducing than this exercise in blatant stupidity. Yes, it's got semi-hot looking Mediterranean babes and, aside from some bloated bellied buffoons, there are even a few slabs of bologna beefcake to wake up the ladies. Sure, all the actors and actresses here are wearing bad wigs, but it's required, if only to match the equally atrocious English dubbing of everyone involved. WMCCAWPDD has some inherent problems as well. This is supposed to be a skin flick, so one has the right to ask just where all the female al fresco went? This is one flesh film that's a tad skimpy on the skinny dip and paltry on the peek-a-boo. Unless you consider male ass shots acceptable exploitation excitement, you'll be disappointed by the bare amount of bodkin bearing in this Florence nighting-mare. And this is one boring bit of broad comedy. Attempts at witty wordplay fall flat and gross out gags are neither. Aside from a constantly repeated theme song that sounds like the Roman Mosquitoes by way of the Beau Brummelstones, there is nothing here that's fresh or exhilarating. WMCCAWPDD is like dinner at the Olive Garden. It's supposed to be an authentic slice of spicy Italian carnal cuisine, but thanks to its "Westernization" and blandness, it's like cold, moldy Spaghetti'Os.
Not that 50,000 B.C. (Before Clothing) is any more competent. If you wondered what killed vaudeville and the notion of burlesque comedy (and aren't automatically thinking Mickey Rooney in Sugar Babies), then look no further than the ancient Hebrew hand puppets here substituting for flesh and blood actors in this nudist colony frightener. These old—and we do mean old—men of the stage look particularly mush mugged and dentured in this film, their mouths either black pits of hollow evil or shimmering plasticine works of dental dementia. Even surrounding them with women as comely as Gigi Darlene (Bad Girls Go to Hell, Naughty Nudes) and creepy as Audrey Campbell (The Olga movies) can't distract from this cast's been-around-the-Borscht-Belt-one-too-many-times traits. These men are just plain weird looking and the movie they are saddled with is equally abnormal. Not quite a typical nudist colony romp since there are few shots of sun worshippers doing the uncovered ultraviolet vamp and not really an old fashioned burly-Q blackout piece because the sketches are strung together and seem to run on into infinity. Honestly, this formerly entitled Nude on the Rocks can be one tough trip through time. Yet, for all its Grand mal inducing men and misplaced "exposure" sensibilities, 50,000 B.C. (Before Clothing—even though one could substitute "Before Comedy" or "Before Colgate") is kind of, sort of fun. Just a glimpse at the human freak show of Eddie "World's Tallest Man" Carmel is enough to satisfy your Jim Rose jones. And Gigi is one gal a guy can easily go gaga over. While it may not be a classic of the stripped silly variety, it's still better than being fossilized.
In keeping with the Mesozoic mentality of this DVD, Something Weird really piles on the prehistoric antics. The trailers are indeed a trip into Cretaceous craziness with such winning titles as The Nine Ages of Nakedness (spanning several epochs in topless-ness) and Untamed Women (the best kind!). The short subjects run the goofy gauntlet from a cavewoman stripping for her drowsy hubby to a strange cartoon about henpecked cavemen forced to provide their hideous wives with all manner of animal dress accessories. But the most bizarre entry in this DVD's extra arena is a Phillips 76 Gas Station training film (actually, just a snippet of one) that focuses on the horrible service stations of the Jurassic period and the space age wonders of a future refueling depot. About the only 100% disappointing aspect of this DVD title is the horrible transfers. The print for WMCCAWPDD looks like it was unearthed during an archeological dig. There are edit jumps, massive scratches, and huge grain and dirt issues. Even in 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen, the image looks old, faded, and fragile. Same with 50,000 B.C. While the full screen visuals are far more colorful than in Ding Dong, overall it too looks like it was found in a dinosaur's anus. Just as bad is the sound. Never before in the history of an SWV title has the Dolby Digital Mono been this atrocious. You simply cannot hear what the characters are saying, even in horrendously dubbed English or overly muddled semi-Yiddish. These soundtracks are a test of one's sonic deciphering skills.
Maybe that's why the films, in general, are so disappointing. Maybe a better aural presentation would have made the jokes sing and the farce funny. As it stands, When Women Played Ding Dong / 50,000 B.C. (Before Clothing) are about as dated as a trilobite and twice as tasty.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Something Weird Video
• Sexy Cave-Babe Trailers
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