All Rise...

Judge Clark Douglas thinks the title of this film serves as a sufficient review.

Editor's Note

Our review of Disaster Movie (Blu-Ray), published January 6th, 2009, is also available.

The Charge

Lewd, rewd, crewd, newd. Celebrate end times!

Opening Statement

"Alvin and the Chipmunks have rabies!"

Facts of the Case

A totally horrible disaster is like, on the horizon. A dude named Will (Matt Lanter, Heroes) saw a vision of the apocalypse during a dream, and the disaster can't be averted unless Will finds a mystical Crystal Skull. Unfortunately, terrible things start happening and Will has to hide out with his friends Calvin (G. Thang, In Case of Emergency), Amy (Vanessa Minnillo, The Bold and the Beautiful), Enchanted Princess (Nicole Parker, Meet the Spartans) and Juney (Crista Flanaga, Epic Movie). During all of this chaos, our young heroes will meet up with Hellboy, Iron Man, Batman, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Beowulf, Kung Fu Panda, Amy Winehouse, and many other recent pop-culture icons.

The Evidence

The following is a scientific test designed to examine your soul. Please answer the following questions as honestly as possible.

1. Describe your feelings about directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. In case the names do not ring a bell, please be aware that they are the two responsible for Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans and nowDisaster Movie.
A. Two no-talent hacks who somehow keep managing to get work that pays quite well.
B. They look just like the bees I saw yesterday.
C. The two gods of awesome.

2. Which films do you think a film called Disaster Movie should spoof?
A. Titanic, Volcano, Independence Day, Deep Impact, Armageddon and I Am Legend.
B. The entire filmography of Gus Van Sant.
C. Whatever f—-ing blockbuster movies came out most recently, so that they are fresh in my mind.

3. If Hellboy, The Incredible Hulk, Batman, and other iconic movie characters of 2008 appear onscreen in a comedy, what should they do?
A. Something entertaining that justifies their appearance.
B. Paint the cobblestones on Piper Street.
C. Introduce themselves, because I'm totally going to forget who they are if they don't say whatever.

4. Seeing an Amy Winehouse look-alike burping for about one minute straight is…
A. Dumb and unfunny.
B. Smelly like a fish, but also revealing.
C. Best joke ever. Can we make it two minutes, please?

5. Disaster Movie makes a point to criticize the writing in Juno on numerous occasions. What is your reaction to this?
A. The writing in Juno may be worthy of mockery at times, but the people who made Disaster Movie have absolutely no right to criticize the writing of any film, much less Juno.
B. There are lots of good writers in Alaska.
C. Dude, that is so spot-on. I couldn't understand that whore in that movie, anyway. All those obscure references were totally over my head. Arrogant little jerk.

6. A man falls into a giant pile of fecal matter. He then utters the word, "S-t!" What is your reaction to this?
A. Quite an obvious and unfunny gag.
B. Did he have any quarters in his pocket? I hope not, we wouldn't want them sullied.
C. Hahahahaha! That is brilliant, because the dude fell into a pile of s-t, and then he said, "S-t!," so it's like all connected. Haha.

7. Should every female character in a film be referred to as a bitch and/or whore at some point in a film?
A. Such demeaning language indicates a profound level of disrespect for women. Unless the film is attempting to reflect such unfortunate attitudes, no, such language should not be used.
B. If they are wearing turtles on their heads.
C. Yes, because you gotta be keeping them bitches in line.

8. Which of the three following activities appeal the most to you?
A. Reading a really good book.
B. Pondering the meaning of swiss cheese. Where are the missing pieces?
C. Kicking people in the balls.

9. Which category would you say best describes the type of humor you like?
A. Sharp satire, well-staged slapstick, witty dialogue.
B. Anything involving the word "esoteric."
C. Balls, wieners, boobies, butts, and lots of pee and poo.

10. What should a movie spoof attempt to do?
A. Satirize some of the weaker points of a film.
B. Blow bubbles until one is shaped like a queen.
C. Simply offer an amateurish version of a popular scene from a popular movie trailer, and add some sort of painfully one-dimensional sexual and/or crass context.

Okay, please tally your answers. Got it? All right, let's see how you did.

If you answered "A" to the majority of the questions, congratulations. You are permitted go on about your business, skip Disaster Movie and have children.

If you answered "B" to the majority of the questions, you are either insane or high. If the former, then you certainly need to seek help. If the latter…um…got anything for me? It's been a bad day.

If you answered "C" to the majority of the questions, then you will love this film. It will make you laugh endlessly, until you forget about it ten minutes later due to the state of your badly-damaged brain. In fact, you probably didn't make it this far, but rather quit three questions into the survey and started surfing the web for free 15-second porn clips.

Video quality is perfectly sufficient, despite the fact that flesh tones seem slightly off from time to time. Even so, blacks are deep enough the image is occasionally vibrant. The audio suffers from a little distortion at times, and the surprisingly clever Christopher Lennertz score is buried beneath the noisy sound design and dialogue. Extras include a cast and crew commentary that sounds like it was recorded in public restroom, a handful of terribly banal making-of featurettes, and a couple of sing-along sequences. One thing made me raise my eyebrows a little. Several trailers play when you pop in the DVD, for two Dane Cook movies, Oliver Stone's W., and Bill Maher's Religulous. The first two I understand completely, but the latter two are odd choices to push to the Disaster Movie crowd.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

I simply can't defend this film on any level. It's a horrible, horrible effort that is currently ranked as the worst film of all time over at IMDb. However, I know that every movie has it's defenders, so I'll let someone from the IMDb forum named "mrdonleone" offer his rebuttal: "I love it but I don't understand it. In the last 100 days I saw this movie 4 times. I hated it the first 2 times. The third time I was laughing, but today I loved it! But I still don't understand why everybody hates it? I don't understand why I didn't like it the first 2 times I saw it it's funny."

So, evidence suggests that the film gets better with repeat viewings. Unfortunately, you will not be able to get me to return to Disaster Movie via any legal or non-violent means.

Closing Statement

The film ends with a parody of Sarah Silverman's "I'm f—-ing Matt Damon," in which all of the characters from the film sing about how they're f—-ing each other. When the song concludes, the viewers will realize that they have just been f—-ed by one of the worst comedies ever made.

The Verdict

I hereby sentence Disaster Movie to be locked in a dark, lonely cell with all of the films from the Hostel and Saw franchises. The guards are ordered not to intervene, no matter what they hear.

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