All Rise...

Judge David Johnson has a prophecy: he sees you reading this review of a terrible movie very soon.

The Charge

Some prophecies must never be ignored…

Opening Statement

…but some movies should.

Facts of the Case

Something strange is happening around the globe. Devastating earthquakes are popping up everywhere, tearing down cities and draining entire bodies of water into the Earth's core. Strangely, these disasters precisely mimic the predictions of a renowned author. Is it possible this enigmatic man holds the key to solving this deadly riddle? Two enterprising do-gooders (A.J. Buckley, CSI: NY; Jewel Staite, Firefly) find themselves thrust into the middle of the madness, in possession of a magic rod that tells the future.

The Evidence

Not making that up. There really is a magic rod here and it is an important plot device. It's magic is never really explained, but go with it; it's not like there's any other way to prevent the total annihilation of the globe.

And here's why: The earthquakes, lightning storms, and volcanic reactions are being caused by the alignment of the solar system with the galactic equator, and I don't have to tell you this spells trouble. Big trouble.

So it's obvious the producers of Doomsday Prophecy really wanted to raise the stakes with their little made-for-TV disaster movie. Given the opportunity to render collapsing buildings and gigantic chasms in dodgy CGI, there was no chance they were passing it up. But you still have to piece together a coherent movie with a predictable, safe resolution (SPOILER: the world doesn't end). And since you're not concocting a world-saving measure that involves human ingenuity and engineering to prevent this galactic equator alignment, you turn to magic!

As goofy as these visions of the future are which bombard our heroes when they grip the rod, they are merely a precursor to the true goofiness that awaits us in the finale. I won't completely spoil it, just know those giant heads from Easter Island show up and shoot gigantic magic lasers into space.

Of course this is all extraordinarily bad and made worse by the fact that everyone is Super Serious about the story. No tongue-in-cheek humor here, boy. Earth needs saving! As a result, we're left with another brutal Syfy original production that feels like every other original production that preceded it.

A lean Blu-ray awaits. The high definition 1.78:1/1080p widescreen presentation looks nice, despite the enhanced resolution completely knee-capping the laughable visual effects; the TrueHD 5.1 Surround mix is suitably loud; and a behind-the-scenes featurette ("The Stories are True") once again gives us the precious spectacle of actors pretending they're not taking part in a moronic waste of everyone's time.

Closing Statement

Terrible. At least Jewel Staite is getting some work.

The Verdict

Here's a prophecy: Guilty.

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