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Case Number 12194: Small Claims Court

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Dracula's Dirty Daughter

Camp Motion Pictures // 2000 // 85 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // October 12th, 2007

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All Rise...

What do you get when you cross horny lesbian vampires with no budget? Judge David Johnson has the answer for you after the break!

The Charge

The following is a partial transcript taken from Family Time with Dr. Hal.

The Case

DR. HAL: Hello everyone, and thanks for joining us for another episode of Family Time with Dr. Hal, the daily living show that seeks to mend fractured relationships between parents and children. Today's special guest is a lovely young woman by the name of—and I hope I pronounce this correctly—Vamparina (Alysabeth Clements). Welcome to the show!

VAMPARINA: Thanks Doctor Hal. It's good to be here.

DR. HAL: So, according to my notes here, you're the daughter of Dracula, is that right?


DR. HAL: As in the Dracula? Count Dracula? Bloodsucking fiend of the nether-region, the lord of darkness, bats, cape, fangs, counting to ten, all that?

VAMPARINA: That's him.

DR. HAL: That must be hard to have such a well-known parent. Was it difficult for you growing up?

VAMPARINA: Of course it was! Start with my name. Who names their child "Vamparina?" The teasing from grade school was often too much to bear. Granted, most of the bullies and their families were later found dead and drained of their blood, their pale corpses stuffed into Dumpsters, but that hardly, made up for having no one to play Four Square with at recess.

DR. HAL: What was it that irritated you the most about your relationship with your father?

VAMPARINA: How about the fact that I had no relationship with him?! For one, he was never around during the day, sleeping on his coffin-shaped waterbed from dawn until dusk, and then when he finally did drag himself out of bed he was either flying around as a bat or picking up naïve village girls and seducing them with his wiles and drinking wine and dispatching topless vampire women to mess with the minds of clergy members. That @#$% got old fast.

DR. HAL: Which brings us to why you're here today. Tell us Vamparina, what was your emotional outlet for this paternal disappointment?

VAMPARINA: Rampant lesbianism with strangers.

(Crowd hoots and hollers.)
DR. HAL: That sounds…dirty.

VAMPARINA: Oh yeah, it absolutely dirty.

DR. HAL: Last week we sent a camera crew out to film a day in the life of Vamparina and we have the footage for you.

(Crowd hoots and hollers.)

DR. HAL: Roll the clip.

(The video begins. We see Vamparina circulating around a college, apparently searching for a vampire hunter. Whenever she shows up or leaves somewhere, any nearby women immediately disrobe and start making out with each other. Vamparina eventually tracks down a young man who may or may not be the soul she's looking for and tries to put the moves on him by unveiling her large breasts. Video ends. Crowd hoots and hollers.)

DR. HAL: Interesting. You're not really participating in the rampant lesbianism with strangers yourself, yet your presence generates it.

VAMPARINA: Fine, I wasn't being completely honest. But hey, I'm still dirty!

DR. HAL: Well, there wasn't that much lust-filled erotica going on from what I saw. Perhaps…you're not as dirty as you say?

(Crowd hoots and hollers.)

VAMPARINA: Oh no, I am extremely dirty.

DR. HAL: Let's get another opinion. We have a surprise guest: Vamparina's father, Count Dracula!


(Dracula enters. Crowd hoots and hollers.)

DRACULA: Let's go Vamparina. You're coming with me. I've had enough embarrassment for one day.

VAMPARINA: Let go of me dad! I'm not going anywhere with you!

DRACULA: Do you know how awkward this is for more? I don't want you airing our dirty laundry on television!

VAMPARINA: At least you're paying attention to me now.

DRACULA: And what the @#$% were you doing in that video, running around without your top, making those women have sex with each other! Where'd you learn to do that stuff?!

VAMPARINA: From you dad! I learned it from watching you!

DR. HAL: You go girl!

(Dracula kills DR. HAL with an ancient broadsword. Crowd hoots and hollers.)

DRACULA: We're leaving. Now. We'll talk about this tonight.

VAMPARINA: Whatever. You just wish you were as dirty as I was.

(Vamparina stomps off stage. Crowd hoots and hollers.)

DRACULA: This sucks.

(Crowd hoots and hollers.)

DRACULA: No pun intended!

Credits roll.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 60

Perp Profile

Studio: Camp Motion Pictures
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
• None
Running Time: 85 Minutes
Release Year: 2000
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
• Erotic
• Horror

Distinguishing Marks

• Behind-the-Scenes
• Auditions
• Trailers


• IMDb

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