All Rise...

Judge David Johnson found Elvis alive too. Different Elvis. Elvis Grabowski. His neighbor.

The Charge

"If I could help save America, maybe it was my true destiny God has prepared for me."

The Case

I'm a little tired right now. It was a busy day at work, so I might not have full access to the breadth of my brainpower. Yet even in this dull state I can recognize something nonsensical and surreal. Even if my orbital lobe was fully functional, I have no doubt I'd still be utterly bewildered by Elvis Found Alive.

For all intents and purposes it should be a comedy. Just look at that disc case. I tend to live my life believing that anything with a photoshopped geezer Elvis on its cover shouldn't be taken seriously.

But this is not a comedy! It's a documentary. Or a re-eneactment. Or…I got nothing. I'm completely defeated by this film.

Here's how it shakes out: director Joel Gilbert apparently filed a Freedom of Information Act request for all files on Elvis Presley. He received the files, tracked the name of "Jon Burrows," and located this mysterious person at his house. And guess what—it's Elvis! He spills the beans pretty quickly, too, admitting to the subterfuge. What ensues over the next two hours (not a typo) is a documentary of sorts, narrated by "Elvis," detailing his early life, rise to stardom, love of Captain Marvel Jr, career as an undercover DEA Agent, alliance with President Richard M. Nixon to fight militant hippies, his Jewish heritage, and (eventually) his faked death. We also learn Elvis hates Obama, who he's convinced is in league with Bill Ayers to implement a National Socialist agenda.

The specs: standard definition 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, 2.0 Dolby stereo, and no extras.

To summarize: I just…I don't even…

The Verdict

Ugh.

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