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Case Number 11062: Small Claims Court

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The Erotic Adventures Of The 3 Musketeers

Private Screening Collection // 1992 // 96 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge Brett Cullum // March 23rd, 2007

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All Rise...

Judge Brett Cullum takes up arms readily against thieves, wolves or scoundrels, often against nobles or Huguenots, sometimes against the king, but never against Ron Jeremy.

Editor's Note

Our review of Black Venus / The Erotic Adventures Of The Three Musketeers, published May 16th, 2009, is also available.

The Charge

Porn without any sex.

The Case

The Erotic Adventures of the 3 Musketeers is a pornographic movie with all the truly naughty bits cut out. It stars a virtual "who was who" of A-list adult movie stars from the early '90s such as Ron Jeremy, Chi Chi LaRue, Nina Hartley, Deirdre Holland, Britt Morgan, Francesca Le, and many other luminaries of skin flicks. The film was directed by porn legend Norman Apstein, who brought us award-worthy titles like Edward Penishands and Intercourse With a Vampire. In this flick, Traci Winn (Saturday Night Beaver) stars as a beautiful young maiden determined to join the Musketeer ranks. It all sounds like a lot of fun, and it is. Yet this DVD release from Private Screening Collection is missing something very important—there's no hardcore action. Back in the early '90s, porn ruled the world. The billion dollar business was outpacing and out selling other VHS titles, and the industry was seeking some credibility. Production values went up, stories were actually scripted, and the sexy scenes were book ended by actual film material. Norman Apstein (aka Paul Norman) took his productions seriously, and invested in great locations and scripts that actually had a plot. The strategy behind all of this was you could sell two versions of the film—a full throttle pornographic XXX title, and then a "hard R" version for late night cable or more demure video stores. When you were flipping through cable channels back in the day, you might have caught some of his titles on the Playboy Channel or perhaps the Spice Network. Even Cinemax would run a late night adult theatre feature including some of these chopped up porn masterpieces.

Cable-friendly is what this title is, the softcore version of the ambitious adaptation of the Alendre Dumas novel. You won't recognize any of the literary roots, but there is enough of the novel to make this a credible retelling of the story done with a lot of comedy and even more sex. I enjoyed seeing people like Ron Jeremy or Chi Chi LaRue in period drag having a good time, but without the money shots I felt cheated. I know I could probably just drive down to my friendly neighborhood adult bookstore and purchase the fully unrated salami fest, and probably get more out of it. Because let's face it kids, watching Nina Hartley trying to do an English accent is fun for about three minutes. I will say I enjoyed anything with drag impresario Chi Chi LaRue (here billed by his real name, Larry Paciotti). He plays the dandy king of France for all its worth, and provides most of the giggles. This crew is good at one thing, and we never see the full act of what they do best. You see fully naked women, but all full frontal male nudity is cut out as well as anything too graphic such as penetration or orgasm. It's like going to a rock concert for your favorite band and missing all the hits.

Who exactly was this DVD made for? If you're against pornography, you'll hate this film since it only stars adult film stars recognizable only to those who like the genre. And if you are pro pornography, you'll feel very cheated by having an edited cable version. There are no special features and no commentaries. What we get is a decidedly low tech transfer that looks like someone duped a VHS onto DVD. It's a very long ninety-six minutes to sit through for just a couple of glimpses at what went on. Imagine having to sit through over an hour and a half of porn performers actually doing dialogue. It's wrong I tell you. It might be a good rental for when you want to tease a bachelor party, or if you just want to relive your halcyon days of watching naughty cable after the parental units retired. Honestly this title is one where I'd say get the nasty version, or better yet grab a real porn off the shelf. It's bound to be less frustrating than this mess.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 69

Perp Profile

Studio: Private Screening Collection
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Mono (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 96 Minutes
Release Year: 1992
MPAA Rating: Not Rated

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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