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Case Number 20884: Small Claims Court

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Eulogy For A Vampire

Water Bearer // 2009 // 107 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // March 11th, 2011

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson wants his eulogy to be rapped.

The Charge

He wanted him…alive or dead.

The Case

In a monastery located out in the middle of nowhere, the monks, apparently bored with scholarly pursuits and gardening, have taken to getting it on. This tidy little enclave of boinking is disrupted in a big way when a mysterious stranger shows up. He's been smacked around a bit and while he rehabs in one of the rooms, some strange, potentially supernatural stuff starts happening to the monks. It turns out there are big, evil secrets associated with the monastery and this surprise visitor has something to do with it. In short: vampires! Who are lustful!

And that's your movie.

I'm not sure how to classify Eulogy for a Vampire. I can tell it wants to be taken seriously as some kind of suspense horror mash-up, but I have hard time not labeling it "monksploitation."

What it is for sure is boring. It's really no mystery what the Big Twist is and, frankly, the lengthy conversations between the monks do nothing to keep the runtime leading up to this poorly-kept secret compelling.

The actors give it their best, selling their lines as best they could and, when the moment calls, getting lathered up in food coloring and snarling like fisher cats, but they're hamstrung by a bland script and the ever-present feel that all of this is merely a set up to get some dude-love on the screen.

Recommended only for those of you hankering for a bunch of monks groping each other.

The DVD: a solid 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen, 2.0 stereo, a music video, deleted scenes, screen tests and making-of featurette.

The Verdict

There's a "sects" joke somewhere that I'm not clever enough to write. Anyway, Guilty.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 50

Perp Profile

Studio: Water Bearer
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 107 Minutes
Release Year: 2009
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Bad
• Exploitation
• Horror

Distinguishing Marks

• Deleted Scenes
• Featurette
• Screen Tests
• Music Video

Accomplices

• IMDb








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