Catwoman and Ginger as MILF alien bloodsuckers? Does it get any better than this, Judge David Johnson wonders? Er, yep.
Alien vampires have just landed from outer space in search of one substance they need to survive…teenage blood!
While the above tagline is technically true, if the producers wanted to be a bit more accurate they would have replaced it with: "Horny, mentally-disabled mechanics menace large-breasted women."
Facts of the Case
Our story begins with a group of teenagers swimming at a lake and later groping each other's naked bodies in the dead of night. But something is watching them. In the middle of their sweaty ecstasy, mysterious attackers disable them and cart their unconscious bodies to a local hospital. It is there where a sinister secret lurks: menopausal extraterrestrials in go-go boots and miniskirts are performing science experiments! Okay, it's not so much sinister as weird and pathetic.
Fast forward an unknown amount of time and we're met by an additional battalion of teens, cavorting on the beach, basking in the sun, sneaking off into the woods to massage each other's breasts, and then gathering around campfires to talk trash about penis size. Unfortunately, no one got the memo about the recent disappearances, and these kids are soon facing off against those same assailants.
Turns out, the perpetrators are a pair of old guys working in a gas station that have contracted with the alien vampires to kidnap and deliver young flesh. Once the victims have been dropped off at the hospital, the three lead aliens (John Carradine, Tina Louise from Gilligan's Island, and Julie Newmar) monitor the experiments, which aim to utilize the platelets in the teens' blood to extend their lives. Yes, this stupid movie actually had the word "platelets" uttered.
Now it falls to a few enterprising kids to fight back against the mechanics and prevent the invaders from using their alien rings of green death on any more hapless skanks.
Evils of the Night is precisely the kind of '80s garbage movie that I love. This flick has it all: pointless nudity, ridiculous costuming, godforsaken acting, a nonsensical plot, and special effects that were likely produced on a Gameboy.
Let's start with those effects. The alien vampires disable their prey with magic rings that shoot out green laser beams. The obvious joke is to say that these rings appear to have come out of a Cracker Jack box, but that affixes a level of craftsmanship to these props that they don't deserve. And those green lasers? I can't properly transmit how awful they look and I don't really know what's a funnier sight: the zaps of special effects themselves or the desperately acted expressions of pain and suffering plastered on the faces of the actors when they're smacked by them. Check out the end, when one of the bad guys gets blasted by laser beams from a departing alien vampire spaceship, which, for some reason, are exactly the same size as the ring lasers. I guess those spaceships are as big as a tin of Altoids.
But all that fun doesn't come until later. The first third of the film is almost entirely comprised of extras in varying degrees of disrobement. I'm not sure which hedonistic beach these coeds flock too, but there's something in the water that provokes intercourse in the middle of the day in full view of bystanders and spontaneous bouts of lesbianism. How horny are these kids? So horny, that two of them ran off to a dark, deserted filthy cabin in the middle of the night to have sex on a strange bed. And—gasp!—they encountered a couple of crazy people!
Too bad these crazy people ended up being a couple of white trash mechanics. Our much-ballyhooed alien vampire pals are limited to only a handful of lines, many of which are delivered (insert adverb that means "really, really disinterested"). The final third of the film revolves around four teens captured by the mad mechanics and the excruciatingly slow ways they are dispatched. One girl is drilled to death, though it takes a loooooooonnnnnggggggg time for the killer to get his crap together and land the deal. But what goes around comes around, when the same guy gets his ticket punched in even slower fashion: his would-be victim manages to ties his shoelaces around a hydraulic car-lift, which eventually crushes him to death.
There you go: breasts, stupid victims, washed-up icons from 1960s television, and death by slowly descending brake rotor. If '80s crap is your bag, I give Evils of the Night a big thumbs up. If, however, you don't like to waste your time on trash, then why are you reading this review again?
The less said about the technical merits of this disc, the better. The full frame transfer is grainy and in the darker scenes, it's very hard to distinguish the action (is that an alien vampire head or an areola?) There appears to have been every little done with the audio; often the soundtrack slows and distorts, as if you were watching an overly-used VHS. A photo gallery and some trailers are it for bonuses.
Evils of the Night is the kind of schlock I enjoy. Bad movie fans, of which I consider myself similar ilk, will enjoy all the hilarious crap that can be found within the disc, but serious DVD-philes need not apply.
The accused is found guilty on every charge that counts, but the bench reserves sympathy for such a righteous piece of trash.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Media Blasters
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