The Charge

Crap unleashed.

The Case

There's an ancient story of a cursed DVD, which, once played, renders the viewer brain dead and useless. The legend has it that a mysterious force emanating from the movie attacks the viewer's brain cells and bludgeons them, one by one. The victim, unable to tear his or her eyes away from the screen, relinquishes control over all body functions; the malevolent force seizes the body and induces painful bouts of nausea while releasing dangerous endorphins that trigger an onslaught of depression, self-immolation, and strong, suicidal tendencies, which may or may not result in the victim pounding his or head into the coffee table. It is as sinister, this malice, as it is unrelenting, and it will not rest until you, the hapless viewer, have been drained of your life force and left on the living room floor in a pool of your own fluids.

What can be found on this nefarious disc? A film so unspeakable, so godforsaken, that even uttering its name can bring upon a scourge of misery. But, what the hey…it's Evil Unleashed: The Mummy.

Forged in the fires of hell in 2003, this diabolical story follows the adventures of four friends:
• Dave is apparently a college student but sports the maturity of a 12 year old. His idea of being intimate with his girlfriend is letting her kiss his stomach.
• Rick, Dave's roommate, acts like a heavily sedated autistic savant through the entire movie, even when facing looming death. He is prone to spontaneous flexing.
• Lisa is the "level-headed" girl blessed with inexplicable powers of precognition but is utterly useless in a pinch. At the first sign of danger she screams herself silly, often wailing "What am I going to do?!" over and over.
• Tanya has giant breasts that, at any moment, will break free of her shirt and set up an autonomous commune in central Utah.

This doomed quartet will soon confront a power more terrible than the midterms they all have undoubtedly flunked—the spirit of an ancient skank, Nefertesia, who long ago in Egypt (which looks like the back lot of a Nevada casino) pledged her soul to the evil god Aman. (Does that make her, then, "Aman Witch?")

Now, thousands of years later, she has returned to collect souls for her master. And how does she do this? The obvious way of course—by taking off her top and dancing!

While the victims are frozen, transfixed by the seductress—and also wondering why a millennia-old Egyptian princess is wearing spandex underwear—Nefertesia plunges her gold ceremonial blade, which looks suspiciously like gold spray-painted, unceremonial cardboard, into their chests. As we learn from the movie, a knife to the breastbone leads to easy removal of the heart and instant vomiting of raspberry jelly.

The dancing and killing continue until Tanya and Lisa, immune to the charms of a sexy little Egyptian number (as evidenced by their lengthy, superfluous discussion earlier about penis size), discover a way to rid the world of Nefertesia and any other topless, anachronistic lap dancers that may be lurking around.

Or do they?

Indeed, you will have to summon the courage to view the accursed film, but be warned: Its evil power will affect you in ways that debris from a construction site falling on your head won't!

(Judge's Note: The movie is apparently 3D, though I did not possess the required equipment to view it; I had the old-school blue and red glasses, which don't work. Tracking down the right glasses may add points to the movie, though the difference between 2D garbage and 3D garbage, I would submit, is negligible.)

Similar Decisions

• Resident Evil: Superbit Edition
• Below
• The Other
• Obsession

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