The Case
Here's your lineup:
The Hostage 1967 / Color / 84 Mins / Not Rated
A snot-nosed kid
witnesses a pair of thugs dispose of a body and is then kidnapped. The kid's dad
frantically tries to get him back. The End.
Explosive Rating: A
soft asparagus fart.
Iron Angel 1964 / B&W / 84 Mins / Not Rated
It's a war
movie that takes place in the Korean War, surrounding a group of soldiers
defending a position. One problem: there are barely any war scenes.
Explosive Rating: Defective Roman candle.
Killpoint 1984 / Color / 84 Mins / R
Leo Fong, who looks less
like a cop and more like my dad, joins forces with the perpetually awesome
Richard Roundtree in pursuit of a group of murderous bikers and, I'm sorry, but
there's nothing remarkable about this movie at all.
Explosive
Rating: He-Man cap-powered-punch action figure.
Low Blow 1986 / Color / 90 Mins / R
Leo Fong stars as Joe Wong,
a private detective who is tasked with finding a young girl involved with a cult
and return her to her concerned parents. Unfortunately for his clients, Joe
moves at near-glacial speed and when he does ultimately get his butt into gear
and invade the compound he takes a pretty solid beating from the guards. This is
probably because he has the build of a retiree and the energy level of a
croissant. Luckily, the cult thugs are even more out of shape.
Explosive Rating: Soda can left in the sun.
Nine Deaths of the Ninja 1985 / Color / 94 Mins / R
A crack
counter-terror squad is dispatched to rescue a group of hostages from the
clutches of some scumbags led by a bizarro Ru Paul. On the way, they battle
dwarf ninjas.
Explosive Rating: Large ball of aluminum foil tossed
into a microwave.
The Patriot 1986 / Color / 88 Mins
/ R
The Patriot (Gregg Henry), a retired Navy SEAL, is ready to go punch
some terrorist in the face. And he does that. A lot. Then he goes on a boat and
engages in an excruciating final fight scene.
Explosive Rating:
Small ball of aluminum foil tossed into a microwave.
Scorpion 1986 / Color / 98 Mins / R
If you think you can fully grasp the powerful splendor of Tony Tulleners, you
are sorely mistaken. Tony Tulleners is a counter-intelligence agent and our
introduction to this mustache-donning, falsetto-speaking action titan is when
Tony Tulleners walks into a bar and beats the hell out of the patrons for no
discernible reason. Later, Tony Tulleners is assigned to protect a high-value
informant from the terrorists who want him dead. Tony Tulleners proceeds to
dismantle al qaida single-handedly.
Explosive Rating: Tony
Tulleners.
The Silencer 1992 / Color / 90 Mins / R
Who is The Silencer?
She's a deadly assassin who receives her orders from an arcade machine. Then she
takes off her top. Meanwhile, another assassin is chasing her. The two fight at
the end and he ends up trapped in the video game, much like Emilio Estevez in
the far superior Nightmares segment.
Explosive Rating: Pabst Blue Ribbon + Hormel instant chili + sensitive
stomach.
The Skydivers 1963 / B&W / 75 Mins / Not Rated
I don't
know, some idiot starts banging a married woman and gets her husband pissed at
him. There's skydiving, too.
Explosive Rating: A flea spontaneously
combusting.
Terror in the Jungle 1968 / Color / 84 Mins / Not Rated
Following a plane crash, a small child is adopted by a village of cannibals.
After an interminable wait, the kid's father finally springs into action to
rescue his kid.
Explosive Rating: Withered little leftover balloon
slowly leaking air.
Top Cop 1990 / Color / 84 Mins / Not Rated
It takes a village
to raise a child and it takes a top cop to burn that village to the ground. Vic
Malone is that top cop. And in his sights: a drug lord responsible for pushing
the bad stuff on the neighborhood kids
Explosive Rating: Projectile
burrito diarrhea.
Van Nuys Blvd. 1979 / Color / 93 Mins / R
The least explosive
of our films. This isn't an action movie. It's a bunch of hippies driving around
in a van, making out.
Explosive Rating: N/A.
This is the simplest of sets, four movies on each of three two-sided discs
with no extras.
