All Rise...

Appellate Judge Tom Becker is, in fact, a rose by any other name.

The Charge

The movie they said could never be made.

Opening Statement

Maybe "they" meant "should never be made."

Facts of the Case

It's the story of a man torn between his love for a woman and his love for a good fart.

The Evidence

1. It's called F.A.R.T.: The Movie.

2. It's not a movie, it's a video.

3. It's actually more like a home video.

4. It's a comedy, only…

5…it's not funny.

6. It's 90 minutes of stale fart jokes.

7. (The jokes are stale; I can't vouch for the farts themselves.)

8. Another flatulence flick, Big Wind on Campus, was released on DVD in the UK as F.A.R.T.: The Movie.

9. Why are there two fart movies at all?

10. Why is there even one fart movie?

11. This F.A.R.T. was so lame, it made me pine for the comparatively sophisticated stylings of MadTV, Flavor of Love, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and everything Saturday Night Live has done recently that didn't involve Betty White.

12. The apparently ripped-from-VHS image is so poor, it's like watching a movie in a car wash.

13. PCM audio appears to have been recorded in a strip mine.

14. Bare bones disc, meaning the short film "Cabbage Is Your Friend" remains unreleased.

The Rebuttal Witnesses

You can fast forward through it and still not miss anything.

And the word "butt" is in the word "rebuttal."

Closing Statement

Phew!

The Verdict

Can't you count?

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