All Rise...

Judge David Johnson thinks you should pay attention to this promising young actress Sandra Bullock.

Editor's Note

Our review of Fire On The Amazon (Blu-Ray), published January 17th, 2011, is also available.

The Charge

It's Craig Sheffer's world. We just live in it.

The Case

Sandra Bullock (The Blind Side) receives top billing and a prominent space on the DVD cover art, but make no mistake: this movie belongs to Craig Sheffer. Perhaps Sheffer looks recognizable to you, but you can't quite place where you've seen him? Allow me to jog your memory: aliens, stretch pants, Pia Zadora, a guitar-shaped spaceship, Jermaine Jackson…got it yet?

That's right, Craig Sheffer starred in the epic musical comedy Voyage of the Rock Aliens, where he played the unforgettable role of Frankie, the leather-clad bad boy and leader of the local-gang/bitchin'-rock-group, The Pack.

Fire on the Amazon is infamous in its own right, less for anything that happens with the plot or characters or anything else that makes up a motion picture and more for the notorious, yet completely awful and anti-titillating, Sandra Bullock sex scene. The story: a nosy photojournalist (Sheffer) investigates some deforestation and his hippie sidekick (Bullock) joins him in digging up dirt on a murder and how the local authorities and land developers may be in cahoots to slash and burn the noble land. Later, our heroes get wasted on jungle narcotics and engage in sloppy, ergonomically ridiculous lovemaking.

Enough about that. The real question: how do Craig Sheffer's two most iconic films match up? Let's find out!

Presence of a 1980s Devo-knock-off band dressed in pink jumpsuits
Fire on the Amazon: No.
Voyage of the Rock Aliens: Yes.
Advantage: Voyage of the Rock Aliens

A robot pretending to be a fire hydrant, which later gets peed on by a dog
Fire on the Amazon: No.
Voyage of the Rock Aliens: Yes.
Advantage: Voyage of the Rock Aliens

Craig Sheffer performing a rock ballad called "The Nature of the Beast" wearing only shredded jeans and backed up by two women dressed as understudies from Cats
Fire on the Amazon: No.
Voyage of the Rock Aliens: Yes.
Advantage: Voyage of the Rock Aliens

An ending action scene involving an inflatable orange sea monster and that guy from The Hills Have Eyes running around with a chainsaw
Fire on the Amazon: No.
Voyage of the Rock Aliens: Yes.
Advantage: Voyage of the Rock Aliens

An end title card lamenting the destruction of the rainforests
Fire on the Amazon: Yes.
Voyage of the Rock Aliens: No.
Advantage: Fire on the Amazon

So there you go, Voyage of the Rock Aliens has the edge, 4-1, over Fire on the Amazon.

The Verdict

What part of "Voyage of the Rock Aliens has the edge over Fire on the Amazon" do you not understand?

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