Judge David Johnson weeps for humanity.
Fred's gotta go…to Camp Iwannapeepee.
That, up there, is the actual tagline for this movie—and it reflects the height of humor to be found in Fred 3: Camp Fred, quite literally the worst piece of crap I have seen in years. Apparently this Lucas Cruikshank kid is a YouTube celebrity, and he translated his online success into mainstream television and movies. As far as I can tell, the entirety of his fame can be traced to the fact that his character talks in a high-pitched helium voice.
Well, thank you, internet. Because a million-plus viewers were foolish enough to subscribe to this dumbass's channel, Camp Fred is officially part of American pop culture. Hundreds of years from now, when whatever advanced civilization replaces us discovers this DVD in an archaeological dig, I have no doubt their first collective conscious thought will be, "This species did not deserve to live. I do not lament their passing."
Here's the plot: This little douchebag Fred Figglehorn goes to a summer camp run by Tom Arnold, meets John Cena (for some reason), and leads his hapless friends to victory over a rival camp in an annual competition. (It should come as no surprise that the same brain trust that came up with "Camp Iwannapeepee" latched onto the most derivative summer camp plot out there.)
I try to keep an open mind when it comes to kids' movies. I can admit I'm not the target audience, so I'm willing to cut some slack if the humor or writing or acting doesn't grab me. However, Camp Fred is so atrocious I maintain no one should find this garbage entertaining. If you do, well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are a sad pathetic person. Promptly re-evaluate your life.
Oh, boy. I'm starting to slip back into the blackout rage that nearly consumed me while I watched this, slack-jawed and uncomprehending. I found the experience so upsetting I was forced to seek professional help. Luckily, a friend of mine is an art therapist and she encouraged me to manage the intense anger and disgust I was dealing with and channel it into creative output.
We've been through a lot together, reader, so I feel like I can trust you with the intimate details of my life. Allow me to share, then, the results of my therapy session, so that you can get a better understating of the complex emotions that Camp Fred evoked.
I present, "The Successive Stages of Viewing Camp Fred as Represented in MS Paint":
Drop dead, Fred.
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