Judge David Johnson has had boogers frozen to his face that are funnier than this movie.
Snowboarding has never been this stupid!
A casual glance at Frostbite and the marketers and disc case designers would have you believe this is soft core porno on a ski lift. Two busty women in bikinis adorn the cover, cradling snowboards and looking all sleazy and seductive; the synopsis makes special note that Playboy playmates Suzanne Stokes and Buffy Tyler are featured in the movie somewhere; the tagline proclaims that "Snowboards has never been this hot!"; and infamous former porn star Traci Lords receives top billing. Make no mistake: Frostbite is technically a comedy. But as I suffered through this unfunny cyst of a movie—as the producers no doubt did—I realized why they tried to sell it as a sleaze-fest. Despite the fleeting, minimal nudity, calling Frostbite a porno is not as disingenuous as calling it a comedy. Heck, calling it a documentary on the eating habits of the Serengeti aardvarks is not as disingenuous as calling it a comedy. The movie is that friggin' bad.
Facts of the Case
Billy Wagstaff (Adam Grimes) is a West Coast skater and stoner. But, he's also a snowboarder. His sort of platonic girlfriend/roommate Casey (Carmen Nicole) laments Billy's descent into utter malaise, and is on the verge of ditching him (why a gorgeous brunette like her hasn't abandoned this moron yet is beyond me). But both of their lives abruptly change when Billy receives an acceptance letter to the Pine Mountain Snowboard Academy.
The world's most prestigious snowboard school—an oxymoron, to be sure—Pine Mountain churns out Olympic and national champions by the gondola-ful. So Billy and Casey pack their things and head off to Colorado, visions of gold medals and dollar signs in their heads.
The academy is run by the tyrannical Colonel Jaffe (Peter Jason), a former snowboarding champion who works his students like low-grade privates in boot camp. Jaffe has trampy daughter named Winter (Baelyn Neff), and as far as I can tell, the only reason that's her name is to set up a painful one-liner at the end of the movie.
Winter takes an interest in Billy, but soon ditches him when she discovers he's not rich, which sets up the supremely clichéd poor, downtrodden villagers versus the evil rich elitists dynamic.
Billy soon finds himself drawn into this nonsensical rivalry between the "richies" and the "poories" (seriously, that's their names), where the winner will enjoy full dominion over Pine Mountain. Along the way, there will be fart jokes.
Frostbite is about as amusing as a third-world famine. You won't be able to spot one funny moment in its barren 85-minute landscape. Nor will you find any sign of the titillation that the synopses promise you. From top to bottom, this film blows.
Want examples of the pain that lies ahead should you be dumb enough to pop this disc in your DVD player and press "play"? How about the scene where Billy arrives at a local Starbucks and meets the local snowboarders, who promptly take turns farting in his face, until the last one lets one rip that supposedly rattles the café, executed by the simple shaking of an exterior shot? Or this exchange between Jerk Skier #1 and his Hungarian teammate:
Jerk Skier #1: "You stupid Australian!"
Eighty percent of this film is scatological humor, which wouldn't been awful if any of the jokes were, you know, funny. Frostbite may or not have been written by a group of loser 14-year-olds during an afternoon of detention.
And if it's flesh you're looking to ogle, you'd find more provocative material on a Super Bowl halftime show. Some brief shots of fake breasts in a hot tub make up the nudity factor. Traci Lords shows her cleavage too.
All of this, and the movie doesn't even make sense. Why is a Colonel running a snowboard academy? And if he hates the new kid so much, why does he tolerate his presence for so long? And why is it exactly the townsfolk can't use the mountain again? The plot is a jumbled, disjointed mess.
Now is as good a time as any to bring back --
THE "HOW MUCH EXACTLY DID THIS MOVIE SUCK? PLEASE ALLOW ME TO ILLUSTRATE" VISUAL AIDS
Frostbite is to your brain tissue as
Frostbite is to snowboarders as
Frostbite is to the practice of writing and filming motion
Frostbite is to 85 minutes of your life as
The movie actually looks pretty good. Both the full screen and 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen versions come on the disc. Colors are sharp, and the snowboarding scenes do look nice. The 5.1 mix is a bit wonky. The dialogue and soundtrack come through aggressively, but the effects are muted, especially during the action sequences.
Four UNRATED (as the case hypes them) deleted scenes are useless and forgettable, and the seven minute making-of documentary is surreal—the cast and crew actually seem to find the crap they're doing…amusing!
The Rebuttal Witnesses
The lone bright spot in this round, pressed disc of phlegm are the snowboarding scenes. The filmmakers inserted some impressive mountain antics by anonymous athletes. Yes, it's pointless, but I can' t deny my wow factor at some of these guys' skills. Too bad they have to be associated with such dreck.
My time would have been better spent tormenting my cat with steak knives than watching this film. Frostbite is not funny, not sexy, and not worth half a urinal cake.
Super-Gigantic-Ultra-Mega-Guilty. Frostbite bites.
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• Four Deleted Scenes
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