Judge David Johnson wonders if it's even possible to hunt galaxies...or is that not what the filmmakers had in mind when they titled this low-budget scifi romp?
Out of this world…and coming for you!
In an effort to answer the release of Episode III, Razor Digital presents Galaxy Hunter.
Facts of the Case
So it's the future. And the galaxy is monitored by an agency called Central Command, based on Earth, which dresses its buxom blonde agents in body-hugging spandex jumpers and arms them with swords and may or may not be staffed entirely by 13-year-old boys…
Ginger (Shelley Michelle, Winner: Most Redundant Surname 2005), a.k.a. Agent 3V51 (also her cup size), is dispatched to track down Agent 3V3 (Stacey Keach, Mike Hammer). Ginger must travel to a distant world to rescue the missing agent, who has been captured by sinister intergalactic drug dealer Zidian (Alain Benetar). Zidian has been secretly crafting a scheme to get the whole universe hooked on a new drug. When Ginger arrives on the planet—which looks suspiciously like 1850s Utah—she enlists the aid of four female bounty hunters cavorting at a bar. After a brief catfight, in which Ginger easily bests them thanks to the herky-jerky editing, they agree to join up.
But to infiltrate Zidian's secret enclave it will take more than good looks and huge breasts…well, actually, no it won't. Ginger crafts the master plan to pose as a stripper, then exploit the burning in Zidian's loins to gain access to his hideout.
Can she reach the kidnapped agent in time? Will her newfound bounty hunter friends resort to erotic lesbianism before coming to her aid? Can she really defeat Zidian and his army of middle-aged white guys?
A low-budget Z-grade sci-fi flick of the highest caliber, Galaxy Hunter is flush with all the necessary elements to allow it admission into the Hall of B-Movie Crap: horrible special effects, ridiculous acting, a nonsensical plot, and canoeloads of surgically enhanced nudity. Galaxy Hunter marks the writing debut of its star, Shelley Michelle. I don't know exactly what that means, beside the fact she was certainly eager to include as many topless scenes of herself in the script.
There is so much inanity going on in this flick that I don't where to start. Well, how about our heroine? We first meet her in her super Central Command spaceship, which seriously looks to have been rendered on a Colecovision. When her ship comes out of hyperspace or whatever, she suits up for action, squeezing into her standard-issue Central Command uniform, a painted-on one-piece that clings to the gigantic silicone orblike organisms that have apparently kidnapped and switched places with Shelley Michelle's breasts. Next are the weapons: a few guns, and way too many swords, which, through a visual effect I have yet to unravel, disappear from Ginger's hands when she puts them away. They are later called back with a push of a button, a great invention that I would have really appreciated owning so as to retrieve the 87 minutes of my life that this movie took away. Once all decked out, Ginger takes a moment to pose, looking off in the distance for no apparent reason, then descends to the planet, where she travels via the super-advanced futuristic Central Command conveyance of choice—an ATV.
But Ginger can't carry this movie herself. Enter her supporting cast: the bounty hunters, consisting of two women who have no control over their Public Displays of Affection, a weird alien girl who looks to be the offspring of a Klingon and a Pound Puppy, and a hyper-annoying android who talks interminably in that I-AM-A-ROBOT voice. On the other side we have Zidian, played by…wait, just checking a few things here (pages ruffling)…yes, THE WORST ACTOR IN THE WORLD. Every line Alain Benetar delivers emerges through peeled-back lips, accompanied by wild facial contortions and a hiss at the end. Yes, we get it, Zidian is psychologically unhinged, though this fact was made clear the first time I saw him running around with his cheesy lavender cape and Goth rock-star wannabe stage makeup. And is that Darius Rucker from Hootie and the Blowfish as his second in command?
Too bad these colorful characters don't have a coherent story to occupy. For all of Shelley Michelle's talents, constructing a compelling narrative, is, unfortunately, not one of them. You got Ginger beating some people up in a horrendously edited fight scene, then Zidian ranting and raving, then some more fighting, some gratuitous stripper nudity, more of Zidian, a superfluous sex scene, more fighting, more nudity, and that's about it. Galaxy Hunter is a perfect example of so-bad-it's-good moviemaking. The filmmakers take the production seriously, even while the main villain runs around with a cape and uses an eyedropper to take his super-addictive drug (let me guess…is it Visine?) The movie is full of rich B-flick moments: the uptight android girl flashing her breasts to distract a guard; the scene in which a vehicle is about to smash into a wall, the camera cuts away, and instead of some pyrotechnics we get the sound of an explosion; the torture the kidnapped agent must endure (strapped behind a bedsheet and beaten with clubs); the horrible one-liners following a fistfight ("That was fun!"); the disposable stud whose only role is to shag the lead.
The film was shot digitally, but the picture is still lacking. Colors are soft and uneven, and this is a movie drowning in weird lighting. Darker scenes are frequently grainy. And the less said about the weak stereo mix the better. Just a few trailers for extras.
Here's all you need to know about Galaxy Hunter: One of the bad guys refers to the hero as a "crotch slut." (Add one more to the old lexicon!)
Guilty of every imaginable offense to filmmaking there is, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly amused.
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