Considering this is ranked the number 4,111 top seller at Amazon, Judge Mitchell Hattaway says there's lots of crazy people out there.
She puts the "double ohhhh" back in secret agent!
Don't look at me like that. Somebody had to review it.
Facts of the Case
A mad scientist defrosts a prehistoric goddess of lesbian lust. Much girl-on-girl action ensues.
Okay, so how do I approach this? Do I treat this like a true piece of cinema and discuss its technical and artistic merits, or do I take it for what it truly is and discuss the numerous scenes of lesbian lovemaking? Should I do a little of both? Is it too late to put up a poll in the Jury Room?
Anyway, The Girl Who Shagged Me is another softcore, mostly Sapphic release from the folks at Seduction Cinema. Late night Cinemax viewers (guilty as charged, but I was getting it for free) might recognize them as the people responsible for such gems as Play-Mate of the Apes (with its fierce-pink, gay monkey) and Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String (with its one good American Pie joke). Those familiar with Seduction's library pretty much know what to expect from this release; as for everyone else, hang on.
Our story opens—let me do the math real quick—12,000 years ago, back when some kooky Scottish cavemen got mad at the Goddess of Lust (Anoushka, Vampire Obsession) and locked her away in a frozen cave. I think. I'm not positive that's how it went down, but I do know the cavemen were pissed and Lust somehow ended up on ice. Oh, before I forget, the cavemen were mad at Lust because she was turning all of the cavewomen into lesbians. The cavemen were happy at first, what with Lust having invented pole-dancing and everything, but I guess they finally grew tired of the calluses on their hands, so they waited until Lust had chosen another innocent young victim (Sally Huxley) and then hauled her away (but not before watching Lust have her way with the girl, of course; they might be cavemen, but they're not dumb cavemen).
Anyway, we then jump forward to present day. Captain Lavish (Frank Bowdler) and his assistant, Dudley (Johnny Mango), are out searching the Scottish highlands for the cave in which Lust is trapped. I'm not exactly sure why Lavish wants to find the goddess, but I do know that Dudley is helping out because Lavish has promised to get him laid. They stop to rest for the night, and Dudley has a dream in which Lust dances around naked and entices him to continue looking for her. Dudley wakes up with a massive, painful erection, which apparently acts as a fleshy divining rod. Lavish uses Dudley's turgid member to figure out the direction in which they should head, but Dudley is unable to move, forcing Lavish to continue on alone.
Lavish somehow manages to make it back to England with Lust's body (not sure how he pulls this off), but the body is quickly stolen by the evil Doctor Unsound (played by Mark Standley, who is a sort of poor man's Michael Wincott) and his henchwoman, Jade (Rachel Travers). Unsound, who was once Lavish's colleague, plans to clone Lust and sell the resulting products to a sheik who is currently restocking his harem. Lavish goes to the police to report the theft, and the police contact Agent Johnson (Misty Mundae, Gladiator Eroticus: The Lesbian Warriors), an MI-5 operative. Johnson has been trying to apprehend Dr. Unsound, so she's obviously the right person for the job, and she agrees to take the case. Agent Johnson also happens to be sexually frustrated; her sex life is limited to hours spent pleasuring herself while thinking about two horny schoolgirls (played by A.J. Khan and Jessica Lovett).
Meanwhile, back at the lab, Jade has used a hairdryer to thaw out Lust's body. Lust awakens, is confused by her surroundings, and immediately sets outs to seduce Jade. (Lust somehow manages to speak modern English, although she does so with a Slavic accent.) Her efforts are successful, and the two enjoy a rousing session of the love that dare not speak its name. Lust then escapes, leaving an exhausted Jade behind to bask in the afterglow. We then cut to the London Secure Psychiatric Hospital, where Agent Johnson consults the insane cannibal Dr. Hannibal Letcher (also played by Misty Mundae). Letcher tells Johnson that if she wants to find Unsound she needs to talk to Captain Lavish, which you think she would have done already, considering that Lavish pretty much started this whole thing.
Speaking of Lavish, he is accosted on the street by a young man named Frederick Tipple (Rob Taylor). Tipple is a Field Agent of Good (check the capitalized letters—that's the kind of thing that passes for clever in this movie) and tells Lavish that they must find Lust and imprison her before she turns all of the world's women into lesbians. We then get a flashback to Lust's conception, in which her mother (Jessica Lovett again) takes a ride on a happy caveman. As is the case with most scenes of hetero action in these Seduction Cinema comedies, the sexual antics are accompanied by goofy sound effects: A cowbell can be heard whenever breasts are jiggling, and a horn sounds whenever breasts are being squeezed.
Okay, so we jump back to Unsound, who is horrified when he discovers that Lust is missing. He gets a phone call from Jade, who informs him that she has found the goddess hiding in a cotton mill. Then it's back to Lavish and Tipple, who are pondering what will happen if Lust is successful in her efforts to get the world's females to switch teams. We then see a fake newscast (broadcast on Channel 69—hardy-har-har), which uses a dramatic recreation to show how a hapless housewife (Jessica Lovett again) is seduced by a more experienced female plumber (A.J. Khan again). Unlike the other lesbian scenes in the film, this one is played strictly for laughs, as is evidenced by the corny sound effects and cheering audience. We then catch up with Unsound, who enters the cotton mill and is immediately attacked by Jade.
Captain Lavish suggests to Tipple that they track down former adult film star Butch Masters. Lavish believes that Masters can really wear Lust out, thereby incapacitating her and allowing her to be captured. The two men then sit down and watch Bang Me Over the Kitchen Sink (Volume 5), one of Masters's big hits. We are treated to another comical sex scene, this one featuring Butch Masters banging a housewife over her kitchen sink. Tipple tells Lavish that the Butch Masters plan isn't a very good one, and Lavish reluctantly agrees.
This leads us to the smashing climax. Lavish and Tipple rush to the cotton mill, where they find Jade, Lust, and a shackled Unsound; Lavish threatens the goddess, who commands Jade to release Unsound. The evil doctor and the good captain fight, and Unsound is killed. Jade then realizes that Unsound's death means she won't be paid for her role in his scheme, so she goes crazy and manages to knock herself out. Agent Johnson bursts in, takes one look at Lust and…well, you can probably guess what happens next. Lavish is disgusted by the sight of the two women engaged in the throes of passion (yeah, like any guy ever turns away from that sort of display) and pulls Tipple, who likes what he sees, out of the room. Johnson finally finds sexual fulfillment and agrees to join Lust's crusade.
Lavish returns home and finds a letter from his old assistant Dudley. Turns out Dudley was rescued by a yeti named Dave, and the two are living together in San Francisco. Tipple comes in and says that he has received word of a band of women terrorizing the Scottish countryside. Lavish realizes that this is obviously the work of Lust and her followers, so he phones Dudley and asks for help. Lavish, Tipple, Dudley, and Dave hop aboard a small plane and head for Scotland. The end titles promise us the story will continue. Oh, joy.
The Girl Who Shagged Me exists for no other reason than to show women (at least one or two of them are actually rather attractive) in various states of undress getting it on. As such, I guess it does its job rather well. Problem is, all of those girl-girl (as well as the two boy-girl) scenes get old real fast, and the fact that it's the same women over and over again only makes matters worse. I can't speak for anyone else, but after a couple of minutes of watching this film's cast copping feels off each other and engaging in a little navel licking, I was ready to hit the fast forward button. Not that it would have helped much, because then I would have been left with the bad (virtually nonexistent) acting, inane plot, unfunny jokes, and amateurish production values. I can't win for losing.
Speaking of losing, let's talk about the audio/video aspects of this release. At times, the picture looks better than I expected from a no-budget, shot-on-video skin flick, but most of the time, the transfer is plagued by noise, artifacts, and serious pixelation issues. The stereo audio sounds more mono than stereo, with poor fidelity, canned (and at times out-of-sync) dialogue, and anemic sound effects (although I'll admit I was surprised by some healthy bass activity in the music).
Extras include some unfunny outtakes and bloopers, which seem to run almost as long as the film itself, and a few cast interviews (listening to Rachel Travers talk about the challenges of making this movie is funny). We also get two featurettes, one of which is nothing more than footage of Misty Mundae walking around London looking for old albums. (I think she picks up Dylan's Blood On the Tracks and Bowie's Diamond Dogs, which I guess means she's smarter than her career choices would lead you to believe.) The other featurette is a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the film. Producer/director/actor/cinematographer/sound engineer/special-effects technician/yeti designer Thomas J. Moose (no relation to Bullwinkle J. Moose, Rocket J. Squirrel, or Fred G. Sanford) and writer Andy Sawyer talk about the struggles of shoot-and-run filmmaking, the joys of working with Misty Mundae, and the influence Benny Hill and Monty Python had on this film. (I'm sure Benny and the Python lads have never been so flattered.) Oh, yeah, there are also some trailers for some other Seduction Cinema releases.
Because this is the unrated version of The Girl Who Shagged Me, I'm sure one or two of you (yeah, right) are wondering about the differences between this release and the R-rated cut. I'm not positive, but I imagine that some of the more Are they really doing that? moments have been excised from the R-rated version. A couple of shots—along with some…uh…slurping sounds—during the scene featuring Anoushka and Rachel Travers make it clear that they went beyond acting (a quick IMDb search indicated that both have starred in some hardcore films, as has A.J. Khan). I can't say for sure whether or not this happened in any other scenes, and you couldn't pay me enough to sit through it again in order to find out.
I can't believe I watched the whole thing. (On second thought, yeah, I can sorta believe it.) You'd pretty much have to be crazy to buy this thing or even rent it. C'mon, if you really want to see it, just wait for it to pop up on cable. That way you can drop in, watch it for a couple of minutes, and then get out. Trust me, a little of this goes a long way.
C'mon, what do you think?
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Ventura Distribution
• Behind the Scenes Featurette (US Version)
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