Judge Clark Douglas eagerly awaits the Great Zebra Leviticus.
A tale of loyalty and sacrifice.
Judge Clark Douglas: Ladies and gentlemen, I've got a rare treat for you today. Zebra B, the star of the new Nature documentary Great Zebra Exodus, has agreed to join me for an interview. Zebra, thanks so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule.
Zebra B: Sure.
CD: So, this new documentary places the spotlight on you and many of your friends and relatives as you're attempting to make a lengthy journey across a vast African plain. How well do you feel the filmmakers have captured the journey?
ZB: I mean…they tried to…it was okay.
CD: You sound like you have some reservations?
ZB: I just think the whole thing is a bit overglorified, you know? The sweeping music, that British guy tossing out purple prose—the whole thing's just too Masterpiece Theatre for me.
CD: What tone do you feel the documentary should have taken?
ZB: Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is The Wire.
ZB: I mean, it's like Omar said: "The game's out there, and it's play or get played." I know this isn't Baltimore, but it's basically the same thing.
CD: In what way?
ZB: Did you not watch the documentary? Death is around every corner for us. Life is hard. The heat is trying to kill us. Lions are trying to kill us. The environment is trying to kill us. We do what we can, but a lot of us don't make it.
ZB: And what really pisses me off is that these filmmakers following us around won't do anything about it. I know they're supposed to be objective and they're not supposed to interfere with nature, but how are you just gonna sit there behind your camera when kids are dying?
CD: I assume you're referring to the death of the young zebra which is heartbreakingly detailed in the documentary's final act?
ZB: Of course. Oh, yeah, it's an emotional moment, but you know what would have been just as emotional? If those #$@&!%*#@^!$ filmmakers had stepped in and done something. That would have been some moving $#%!. But no, they just sit back and watch.
CD: But I'm sure you can understand why they have to…
ZB: Yeah, I've heard all their excuses. All I'm saying is, when you're walking around in the zoo one day and some guy decides he's just gonna shank you, don't be upset when all the zoo zebras are just standing around watching.
CD: I, uh…I don't really think that's…
ZB: You don't think that's gonna happen? Of course it's not. Because while my life is like The Wire, your life is basically The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
CD: How do you know about all these TV shows?
ZB: What, you think I don't know $#&! just because I'm a zebra? People like you are the problem, man.
CD: I didn't mean to…
ZB: And let me tell you something else: it makes me sick when I see people watching this documentary, because they don't even get the point. Sure, they're a little sad when we're dying, but afterwards they're all like, "Oh, zebras are so adorable! I wish I had a zebra!"
ZB: You know, you ask the average person, they'll tell you a zebra is way more interesting than a horse. WAY more interesting. But how many movies get made about horses, and how many get made about zebras?
CD: Um…hey, remember Racing Stripes?
ZB: Racing Stripes was a pile of $#%!
CD: I think we should probably wrap things up.
ZB: That's the first smart thing you've said all day.
CD: I should just point out to viewers at home that the DVD release of Great Zebra Exodus offers a solid standard-def transfer, though as is often the case with nature documentaries, I'd recommend going with the hi-def version.
ZB: Yeah, because if you're gonna watch us die, you might as well see every gory detail.
CD: No, no was thinking of the sweeping helicopter shots of the African landscape.
ZB: The hell you were. You were thinking of the mating scenes.
CD: Um, the Dolby 2.0 Stereo track gets the job done nicely, with a solid mix between the music and narration. No special features are included on the disc.
ZB: I got your special feature right here.
CD: Whoa, not cool, dude!
ZB: Whoa? Did you just say whoa? DO I LOOK LIKE A HORSE TO YOU, #$%&@$#!*^@?
CD: Thank you for your time.
ZB: Yeah, good talking with you, bro.
CD: Great Zebra Exodus: Like The Wire, but with zebras.
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