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Case Number 27500: Small Claims Court

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Harpies

Millennium Entertainment // 2007 // 85 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // June 18th, 2014

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson was mugged by a harpy over the weekend. The cops didn't believe him.

The Charge

Invincible demons from darkness.

The Case

In 2007, this terrible movie was released and for some reason it has returned.

Stephen Baldwin (The Usual Suspects) stars as Jason Avery, a museum security guard and former police officer who gets sucked through a portal into a magical world and is promptly menaced by an evil sorcerer and ferocious flying ladies with an appetite for eyeballs. With the help of a beautiful farmgirl and an assortment of morons, Jason storms the castle, attacks the harpies with his shotgun and attempts to prevent the bad guy from activating a plastic ball filled with awful visual effects.

Harpies is as bad as it gets: ridiculous line readings, an unoriginal plot, a main actor who looks like he's rather be aflame and some of the worst CGI you'll ever see. The harpies themselves look like graphics from an early PlayStation game.

But, I have to say, I wasn't bored. Harpies predates the tedious, incessant stream of disaster movies the Syfy Channel has since adopted for its portfolio. So within its malformed husk of a body there still beats the heart of semi-entertaining B-movie romp.

I was awash in its awfulness and though there was just enough slapstick to kind of, sort of make me think that the filmmakers were at least flirting with the idea that it was all purposefully stupid. No, no, I don't think so. I don't buy that it's the contrived, willful dreck of something like Sharknado; I have to believe these guys really tried to make an actual fantasy adventure. Because the alternative, that these dopes were clever enough to sucker me into enjoying their subversive genre film, is simply too horrible to bear.

The DVD is an after-thought: standard def 1.33:1 full frame, Dolby 5.1 Surround, and no extras.

The Verdict

Narpy.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 60

Perp Profile

Studio: Millennium Entertainment
Video Formats:
• Full Frame
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 85 Minutes
Release Year: 2007
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Adventure
• Fantasy
• Science Fiction
• Television

Distinguishing Marks

• None

Accomplices

• IMDb








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