Are you having a laugh, Judge Clark Douglas? Is he having a laugh?
Remastered. Restored. Remixed!
Script for Have a Laugh: Volume 2 Promo: First Draft
Narrator: Mickey Mouse. Donald Duck. Goofy. You know their names, and you love them. Sadly, the same can't be said for many of your children and grandchildren. In recent years, many of us here at Disney have struggled to find ways to force youngsters to connect with our beloved animated icons. Finally, we've found the solution—a series of DVDs that will work to bridge the gap between young and old. Let's look in on beloved housewife Julie Hurmsturm and her seven-year-old son Billy as they check out our latest installment…
Julie: Billy, I need to get dinner ready. Why don't you watch this DVD until it's time to eat?
Billy (looks at DVD case): Donald Duck? BORING! I WANNA PLAY XBOX!
Julie: Why don't you like Donald Duck?
Billy: He's old! Those cartoons are slow and boring!
Julie: Not anymore! Just give it a chance…I think you'll be surprised.
Narrator: Julie's right. Those old cartoons aren't slow and boring anymore. We've taken five vintage Disney shorts—"Clock Cleaners," "Mr. Mouse Takes a Trip," "The Art of Skiing," "Early to Bed," and "Pluto's Sweater"—and made them shorter and faster than ever. We've added new music, new voice work, and a new sense of pacing. Most of 'em are only three minutes! Boy, do they end quick.
Billy: Momma, momma! Donald isn't old and boring anymore! Everything moves fast! I love you, momma! I forgive you for divorcing daddy, too!
Narrator: Now, don't worry—the original versions of all of these shorts are included on this disc, too. Still, if you're any sort of Disney fan, you've already picked up these shorts in the Walt Disney Treasures sets. Nonetheless, we felt obliged to include 'em, just in case you old folks want to remember what we used to be back when Walt ran things.
Billy: Momma, I'm done with the cartoons. Is it dinner time yet?
Julie: Almost done. But guess what? There are still a few treats for you on that DVD.
Julie: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Billy: OH MY GOD!
Narrator: As a bonus, we've thrown in three "Blam!" animated shorts. These short pieces take the most violent bits of footage from vintage cartoons and smash 'em all together in 90 seconds of hyperactive goodness. But that's not all—we also hired a 20-year-old stoner named Smash Fartson (he says that's his real name, anyway) to narrate these shorts. His snarky, loud commentary is sure to excite the young ones, and they'll particularly love the way he shouts "BLAM!" every time something horrible happens to one of our beloved characters.
Julie: Ow! Billy, why'd you hit me?
Narrator: Finally, we take a vintage black-and-white cartoon and give it a "Re-Micks," setting the footage to the strains of Hannah Montana's "He Could Be the One." Feel free to sing along!
Julie: Smooth talkin' so rockin' he's got everything that a girl's wantin'—ow!
Billy: BLAM! It's a small world after BLAM! M-I-C-K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-BLAM!
Julie: Go to your room right now.
Narrator: Have a Laugh: Volume 2—buy it today, redeem a lost generation.
Studio notes: We like it. Suggest casting Julie Benz as Julie and Al Pacino as Billy. See if Sam Elliot is available to narrate. If not, just get the "Blam!" guy to do it. Also, if you can, find a way to work in the fact that the remastered shorts actually do look and sound quite good despite all the other abominations on the DVD and yadda yadda yadda. We realize it's crap, but we should do pretty well regardless if the marketing's solid. If not, initiate Emergency Plan C. Don't tell the Jonas Brothers about it unless it actually comes to that, though.
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