All Rise...

Judge David Johnson isn't heavy. He's big-boned.

The Charge

Getting out means getting even.

The Case

"Boots" Mason (Gary Stretch, Alexander) is not a talking cat but rather a fearsome gangster hitman. On his latest assignment, he's dispatched to take out some fools and is shocked to discover—thanks to some bullets flung in his general direction—that a hit has been placed on him. So he goes on the run to dig up the dirt behind the contract on his head.

Right behind him, looking to finish the job, is a dirty cop (Vinnie Jones, The Midnight Meat Train), who's mixed up somehow in an upcoming British election involving Boots's brother (Adrian Paul, Highlander: The Source). As he peels back the mystery, Boots will be fed through a grinder of gun fusillades, punches to the face, and car wrecks.

Heavy isn't bad. It's not great, either, putting it right in the sweet spot of Movies-That-are-a-Pain-in-the-Balls-to-Write-Reviews-For. If something sucks to high heaven or is so good it makes you wet yourself in glee, well, those words just flow freely and majestically. What to do with a film that's a few degrees over okay?

That's Heavy for me. It's nicely put-together film, populated by characters who are more fleshed out than the usual action movie cannon fodder and features a decent enough ending. There are moments of strong, thuggish mob violence and Vinnie Jones cuts a pretty kick-ass villain. Boots is a nifty anti-hero and the political conspiracy storyline works.

But nothing really stands out, save for two things: 1) Vinnie Jones looks exactly like Daniel Day Lewis in There Will be Blood, and 2) Paul Oakenfold assembled a fantastic score for the film.

Years from now, if you were to ask me about this movie and tried to jog my memory with plot details and dialogue, I'd likely just look back at you confused. But say something like, "You know, the British crime drama where Vinnie Jones looks exactly like Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood and Paul Oakenfold assembled a fantastic score," I'd surely nod, crack a smile and respond: "Yeah, that movie wasn't bad."

The DVD: a very nice 1.85:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer, 5.1 Dolby Digital surround, three making-of featurettes and a production stills montage.

The Verdict

Not Guilty, I guess.

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