All Rise...

Judge David Johnson did not marry his high school crush. So, not really much of a story there.

The Charge

Sometimes dreams do come true…for better or for worse.

The Case

For some reason, it was decided to unearth this ridiculous Lifetime original movie and crap it out to the masses.

Katee Sackhoff (Battlestar Galactica) is in this and maybe this was her attempt to avoid type-casting because the character she plays here is about as far away from Starbuck as possible. No cigar-smoking, dude-punching hard-ass to be found on this disc; Sackhoff plays a 17 year-old bubblegum-chewing girl hopelessly in love with a the school's star football player.

Yes, it is jarring.

It's 1990 and Sara (Sackhoff) wishes to claim the affections of Brian (Sage Brocklebank), the oblivious super-hunk. One night in the gym, when she meets up with Brian to deliver the homework she did for him, a solar eclipse breaks out and Sara wishes that she could marry Brian and there's a flash of light and suddenly it's 2007 and Sara is about to marry Brian. That's right, they time-traveled!

And it only goes downhill from there. Worse than downhill, actually. Like if gravity became corrupted and sucked this movie straight down through the Earth's crust at the speed of light.

I can't figure out what they're going for with this movie. At some points it's so stupid and corny it has to be a spoof. And then you get super-serious dialogue exchanges where characters explore their feelings and reflect on the poor decisions they've made. And then it's a hacky George W. Bush joke! And then more ruminating about regrets.

Whatever genre it gets pegged in, How I Married My School Crush is a goofy stinkbomb, saved only by the surreal oddity of watching a 27 year-old Katee Sackhoff running around acting like a teenager.

A bare-bones release: full frame, stereo, no extras.

The Verdict

Guilty of making chaos theory dorky.

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