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Case Number 17924: Small Claims Court

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Hooking Up

MTI // 2008 // 90 Minutes // Not Rated
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // December 17th, 2009

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson enjoyed this horrid comedy about as much as a herniated disk.

The Charge

Chicks, cliques, and lipstick.

The Case

I hate this movie. I hate it so much. But I will nonetheless do what is asked of me and take up valuable bandwidth outlining why Hooking Up is some of the worst crap I've been forced to sit through in some time in the hope that you will take my grave warnings to heart and perhaps tell a loved one to avoid this movie. If that happens, then I don't care what joy I've brought to others in 2009—this will have been my greatest achievement.

Here's the "story," and I only use scare quotes because there's no other word I can use. I could of course use "hamburger" instead, because the crap that holds these scenes together has more in common with a hamburger than a story. As best as I can tell there are these three loser douchebag high-schoolers that only talk about sex and watch porn on their computer in the library. There's also a 16-year-old girl who's in love with Corey Feldman. There's also another horny girl who wants to seduce a teacher (Bronson Pinchot!). And that's what powers the film through its meager runtime and straight off a cliff.

Look, I have no idea what the point of this blood fart is supposed to be. You'd think it was a screwball sex comedy from the disc case marketing, but it's not. There are no laughs in this thing—none. And it's not like jokes were attempted and they just fell flat. I detect zero comedic effort. Maybe the three delinquents talking about filthy sex acts is supposed to be high-larious? Or the one guy dry-humping his pillow? I suppose Corey Feldman (who's like almost 40, right?) receiving oral sex from tenth-graders is my cue to guffaw?

No. Not happening. Hooking Up is a bleak, laugh-starved affair, a post-apocalyptic wasteland of humor, an imploding red dwarf star of entertainment that you can just feel sapping electrical impulse from your brain neurons.

Who am I supposed to pull for here? Feldman's character, the statutory rapist? The slutty girls who don't have enough sense to steer clear of such deranged perverts? The horndog guys who love talking filthy in public and are just begging for a traumatic lead pipe beatdown? No thanks. I'll pass and just read up on a bit on the Khmer Rouge where more lovable characters reside.

One last thing. If you're expecting sleaze and nudity and what not, you're not going to find it here. Hooking Up likes to talk a big game, but in reality, the flesh quotient is as tame as a house kitten.

The DVD: a lower-grade 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer, 5.1 digital, behind-the-scenes featurettes, deleted scenes, interviews and outtakes.

The Verdict

Guilty. How about we "hook up" the accused to a lethal injection?

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 30

Perp Profile

Studio: MTI
Video Formats:
• 2.35:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• Spanish
Running Time: 90 Minutes
Release Year: 2008
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Genres:
• Bad
• Comedy

Distinguishing Marks

• Deleted Scenes
• Featurettes
• Interviews
• Outtakes

Accomplices

• IMDb








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