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Case Number 18599: Small Claims Court

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I Am Virgin

MVD Visual // 2009 // 90 Minutes // Unrated
Reviewed by Judge Steve Power (Retired) // March 26th, 2010

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All Rise...

Judge Steve Power doesn't sparkle in the sunlight; he twinkles, then spontaneously combusts.

The Charge

The end of the world comes…and you don't.

The Case

The last man on earth is not alone. Robby has witnessed the end of mankind; an end that has left the city covered in garbage, graffiti, and giant "photoshopped" battle-damage scores all of the major structures. Thankfully he's got his trusty shotgun with duct-taped on flashlight, his faithful basset hound companion, and a Chevy Suburban full of camping gear. There's also a pair of paper mache skeletons that someone keeps moving all over the place, and, oh yes, the sex crazed mutant vampires. I know all of this because the cool rip-off/homage to Dawn of the Dead that occurs during this flick's title sequence told me so.

That's right, you are looking at a spoof of the Will Smith mega blockbuster, I Am Legend. Rather than hanging out in video stores talking to mannequins and getting his kill on, our hero stalks through dirty hallways, watches himself some crazy mad sex scenes with vampires (which are all too obviously filmed separately), and then goes home to blog about not ever having sex. Meanwhile, in flashback, his puritan parents rail on and on about the evils of sex, and Robby wonders if he'll ever meet the right girl…while watching vampires have sex.

That's it, in a nutshell. You get a string of soft core scenes made completely unattractive by the surrounding debris and the cheesy vampire fangs, Robby being some kind of sick creeper, and sexy vampires having sex. There's also pedestrian direction, extremely poor editing, and effects born out of Photoshop.

The extremely low budget nature of the affair—we're talking Troma levels here folks—does lend an air of silliness to the proceedings. It's the kind of movie you could probably get away with throwing on when there's a group of guys gathered together, and alcohol or barbiturates are involved. The cast "performs" well enough, and Ron Jeremy (Crank 2: High Voltage) shows up near the end to provide some words of sexual wisdom and a few awkward jokes about copulating with dead people. The biggest problem lies in the pacing, which is dog slow and makes this 90 minute crapfest feel like 390 minutes.

The disc is decent, with a passable transfer that handles the digital video with as much skill as is possible. Many scenes show heavy grain and noise, while others are crisp and clear, undoubtedly a fault of the digital video source. The sound is passable stereo. There are some extras included as well, including a breezy making-of featurette that gets into the nitty and the gritty of filming introducing a few of the pretty girls in the film, and a set of vintage trailers for some of the cheesiest looking films I've never heard of in my life.

If you're a fan of this kind of ultra low-rent filmmaking—or you like sex and vampires—you may find something here that's worth your time, if you can handle the glacial pace. If you were to blissfully ignore this movie for the rest of your life, you wouldn't be missing much.

The Verdict

I Am Virgin is a horrible film, no doubt. But would you expect any different?

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 22

Perp Profile

Studio: MVD Visual
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Anamorphic
Audio Formats:
• Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (English)
Subtitles:
• None
Running Time: 90 Minutes
Release Year: 2009
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Genres:
• Bad
• Comedy
• Exploitation
• Science Fiction

Distinguishing Marks

• Featurette

Accomplices

• IMDb








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