Judge Ryan Keefer wonders if Lindsay Lohan knows what killed her sobriety. That would be a better film.
Our review of I Know Who Killed Me, published November 19th, 2007, is also available.
There are two sides to every crime.
The Lindsay Lohan film I Know Who Killed Me is probably more known for the fact that its release coincided with one of many trips to drug rehab centers for the actress. The film is also known as a risqué departure for the actress, appearing in a rather sultry role in an R-rated film. So now that it's coming out on Blu-ray disc, does it merit a second chance?
Facts of the Case
The film was the first screenplay from Jeff Hammond and directed by Chris Sivetson (The Lost). Aubrey (Lohan) is a successful high school student who is kidnapped and tortured, presumed dead, and wakes up missing an arm, a leg, and has a distinct sense that she's not Aubrey. So she decides to find out what happened to her, and what happened to the girl she thinks is Aubrey. Or maybe she went on some sort of drug-induced bender which resulted in her ramming her car into a tree and then leaving it. I don't know.
Lately I find myself watching one Lindsay Lohan film a year, to keep me in touch with the regular folks, even if I find it hard to leave my palatial estate. And while Herbie Fully Loaded flirted with being a little bit fun, and Just My Luck went headlong into annoying territory, I Know Who Killed Me seems to smoke those areas by a couple of touchdowns. Don't get me wrong, I still hate the film with a passion, but cripes, this was just sad to watch. Honestly, I can't remember feeling a sense of pity when it comes to watching a film as I did for this.
First off, I'd like to mention that Julia Ormond was in this film. This woman has appeared in some good films through the years, including Smilla's Sense of Snow, so naturally I've got to wonder what she's doing in this film. Maybe her husband lost a bet or something. And I've got to disagree with Judge Tom Becker in terms of how she looks in the film. Ormond looks as if she's had some work done, but then during the operation, her face caught fire, and the doctors put out the fire with a bicycle chain. Or maybe that I'm confusing her talent with that of Juliette Binoche. Then there's Garcelle Beauvais, who is one of the detectives trying to hunt down whatever's going on in the film. Here's another woman that used to be striking, now she looks like the after picture in the event that Mo'nique ever decides to get liposuction done.
Then you have Lohan herself. Before I get to whether she gets nekkid or not, allow me to point out a couple of things. First, her smile looks horrible. It's clear that she's been doing crystal meth with the girl from Full House, or that diet of Ketel One and Newports just isn't working out. She appears in a love scene with an actor named Brian Geraghty (We Are Marshall) and you see her bare back, and her spine is protruding at such an alarming rate I thought she had scoliosis or something. Never mind that Geraghty has this hopeless look on his face that you see when dogs are humping, and they can't free themselves, even after they're hosed down.
It left me for a second that I actually have to talk about the film, but the story becomes so convoluted and confusing that I shouldn't even bother. Characters seem to play a factor in the end but are forgotten in the second act, everything was shot in dark blue light to make you forget that Lohan was a train wreck physically, and that the ending is so forced that it's the very definition of being tacked on. AVC encoding aside, the 2.40:1 widescreen version of the film is fine, although it looks in parts that the film grain was a little on the heavy side. Blacks are consistent for the most part as well. There's a choice of PCM and TrueHD soundtracks, and they are somewhat surprising in how they sound, with bass present in a lot of the club scenes, and dialogue being well-centered for most of the picture.
Almost forgot, if you've been wondering if Lohan shows any skin, which was rumored to be the case for the film, she doesn't. And really when you think about it, it's probably for the common good anyway. Number one, she's not all that alluring, and number two, you can find everything you want to see on the internet anyway. So if you think that I've deceived you anyway, you will at least feel part of what I felt while watching this wet fart of a movie.
The Rebuttal Witnesses
I was checking out an unnamed critics' site where there were two positive reviews out of over 50, and one of those talked about how the film looked. And sure, Lohan plays the part of a stripper well, if your idea of a stripper is the one who, in five years from now will be covered in tattoos and rarely without a cigarette. And with the makeup and outfit she wears, she looks like a clown, there's no two ways around it.
This movie is the equivalent of putting an AIDS-infected syringe into a plastic container without being stuck by it. I had to bleach my PS3 after watching this thing, so that it never infects the rest of my discs ever again. Burn any copies that you see at the rental house, or at least warn others about the danger they face. It should be like that tape that's in The Ring, where if you watch this movie, you die shortly thereafter.
The court finds the defendants guilty as charged and sentences them to…wait…argh!!!!
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