Some days, this job becomes too much for Judge David Johnson.
Kill me now.
I am sitting here with a fan pointed at my face. It is hot in my house. I am tired. The air conditioner has been running in the bedroom for 45 minutes. It should be nice and cool when I get up there. I have a new book from the library. I also have a collection of Jumble puzzles. I'm looking forward to lying down and doing some unscrambling. And then some reading.
But first I have to write a review for a movie called Inbred Redneck Vampires. I've been trying to put it off. Leaving it for future me to take care of. But future me will be sleeping in a cool, air-conditioned room, satisfied with his puzzle-solving capabilities. I can't do that to him.
It has to be me.
I have to be the one to end it.
I can feel my energy dwindling to perilously low levels. It won't be long until fatigue overcomes me.
I must get this done.
Must get this done.
Okay. Inbred Redneck Vampires. Vampires. That are rednecks. Are inbred, too.
So tired. Just…want…to…do…some…Jumbles…then…sleep…
Get this done!
Yes. I must get this done. This movie review. I should start with the plot?
The plot. I should start with the plot.
What was the plot?
It was something stupid. Really, really stupid. Like, a pale, chubby vampire queen and a guy who can't deliver lines wander into a backwoods town.
That sounds right.
And the townsfolk begin turning into vampires. Right? Right! Because these extras start wearing plastic fangs! So they're vampires! And they die off in a haze of awful special effects. Like when the guy sits in a bathtub and inadvertently blesses it and there's some smoke and it's assumed he dies. Or the woman who gets roasted in the tanning bed and the next scene a pathetic special effect skeleton waddles out.
That can't be it, right?
(I am so tired!)
I remember a big fat guy and a dwarf—total morons—who play strip poker with a morbidly obese woman; she gets naked and…
…that's it. My word count is 358. That's not bad. Now it's 364!
Transfer is standard full frame, with Dolby 2.0 stereo track. No subtitles. Extras, there are a few—audio commentary, featurette, outtakes, and photo gallery.
Just a handful more words to 400.
This. Movie. Sucked. So. Bad.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: MVD Visual
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