Judge Kerry Birmingham's Copyright Infringement-Sense is tingling!
"Here's to peace…of ass!"
Before The Dark Knight swooped in and became the phenomenon it did, 2008's leading blockbuster was a little movie called Iron Man, which made many millions of dollars and inexplicably, pleasingly turned previous tabloid fixture Robert Downey, Jr. into an action hero in the form of billionaire industrialist Tony Stark. It was something of a feat for any number of reasons, not the least of which is Iron Man's relative obscurity to the general public (knowing geeks like me know him as a longtime staple of the Marvel Comics universe). Sure, hundreds of millions of dollars and a place in the pop culture pantheon are nice, but where does a franchise go from there? Congratulations, Tony: you have your own porn parody, the sure sign of hitting the big time. Hope you survive the experience!
Facts of the Case
Billionaire sex toy manufacturer Horny Fark (Jackie Stevens, Kinky Kong) has no trouble pushing her line of personal pleasure devices, despite the best efforts of her clueless business partner, Obgyn Stain (Darian Caine, Spiderbabe). Horny's relentless pursuit of self-gratification is challenged, however, when she is captured abroad by generically ethnic terrorist Abu Bu (Smoke Williams). Forced to make Bu and his men a sex doll after suffering an injured hoo-hoo (technical term), Horny instead escapes and returns to Fark Industries where, with the help of her loyal secretary Bumper Boobs (Violette), she swears to manufacture only pleasure devices that enhance sex between partners and begins to construct a high-tech suit capable of stopping Bu, his men, and their secret benefactor (hint: it's Stain). With laser-nippled bra and bullet-proof panties, Horny Fark becomes…the legally differentiated parody known as IronBabe!
I'm not sure if you've caught on to this, but this movie is patterned after a previous, largely non-pornographic movie. New Jersey's own Seduction Cinema has carved out something of a niche for itself, offering lighthearted sexual escapades in the form of vintage pornography, European erotica, and silly spoofs like this one. It's always been a staple of porn of every stripe to ride the zeitgeist-among other things-to get a viewer's attention. Seduction's own Spiderbabe, a loose parody of the Marvel hero's first film with Misty Mundae in the title role, was in this mold, and never has the porn world shied away from copying something popular, exploiting it, and repeating it ad nauseam—with boobs. In this vein comes The Insatiable IronBabe, this time spoofing the Robert Downey, Jr. summer blockbuster with an eye toward the raunchy, the ridiculous, and the risqué.
If the synopsis didn't tip it, IronBabe is about as broad a spoof as conceivably possible, adhering surprisingly faithful to the real film's structure through the early scenes of Horny Stark's captivity (with pauses for corny jokes and tit shots). Shot and probably scripted on the fly, it's a no-budget affair from bare top to bikini bottom, with suburban backyards and home offices filling in for the real locations while Horny and her friends get filled out. Liberally using stock footage, poor computer effects, and previously shot sex sequences, the film haphazardly limps from one erotic encounter to another, interjecting between ejaculations a story that vaguely resembles that of Iron Man, culminating in a rematch with Abu Bu, the traitorous Stain, and their ragtag army. Fear Horny's laser nipples, for they are mighty.
This is not high art, or even well-made porn pretending to be high art in that 9 ½ Weeks sort of way. No, this is unabashed schlock, and everyone involved here is in on the joke. From the punny names to the "Mark I" IronBabe armor to Stain's horrifying ideas for sex toys, there are no delusions of art and no aspirations to the hardcore, just giggles and boobs only slightly bawdier than an average episode of Benny Hill. When Stevens, game and gamine as Fark, flies to her destination via inflatable doll and dangles pendulously in front of green-screen sky, it becomes clear that whatever the message of its big-screen inspiration-something on the horrors of war and the consequences of power; who can say?-the message of this film is: Lighten up. IronBabe is purposely meritless and pseudonymous director John Bacchus knows it, so virtually anything goes, including production values, coherency, and good judgment. The result is a goofy, giggly comedy not above a fart joke or implied bestiality but always time for some fornicating. Nothing's serious here, especially not the sex, so the slapdash nature of the production is a badge: they're not here to hit you with a good joke or the promise of good sex or even a good movie, they're here to wink and tease.
I know what you're thinking: Yes, yes, bad humor, poorly made, poorly acted, structurally unsound…but how is the sex? The short answer is: there isn't any. The "sex" scenes consist of music videos of somewhat-to-not-very attractive women rubbing their hands over each other and dry humping while making orgasmic faces that look suspiciously like trying not to laugh. As each segment ends-in an office, a bar, a warehouse-we are awkwardly jarred back into the "plot," as Horny continues her journey to becoming IronBabe.
It may be fake sex, but there's plentiful fake sex. Omnivorous and sexually indiscriminate, Horny tackles all (mostly female) comers: an army captain (the Terrence Howard character?), a fellow captive, her secretary, her business partner, even a (bi-)curious reporter in what is possibly the most faithful scene to Iron Man, at least in concept. For good measure-and because the scenes had already been filmed-we get that intrepid reporter, Ms. Chesty Everhard, giving a nude oil rubdown to one of Fark's previously unmentioned female executives. The unnamed captain gets in on the action, too, with Private Parts (Andrea Jaxx, who looks disturbingly like former Saturday Night Live star Cheri Oteri with breast implants) and Horny, as well as some edited-in voyeurism of Chesty's interrogation. The movie's practically packed with all the non-sex sex one can handle.
Features include what appear to be trailers for every single movie ever distributed by Seduction, as well as several "erotic shorts" starring Stevens. "Champagne Angel" and "Bed Party" are brief montages of writhing set to music, while the more substantial "Hot Property" stars Stevens as a realtor who seduces busty client Alexia Moore, which again consists of rubdowns with some pantomime cunnilingus. There are two interview segments, with Stevens and co-stars Moore and Sabrina Faire fielding questions about their previous work for Seduction Cinema and how traffic was on the way to the shoot; both interviews can probably be skipped unless you want to know what kind of men Stevens is attracted to (why, a guy just like you, silly!) or another eyeful of the tremendously surgically enhanced Moore.
The Rebuttal Witnesses
On the other hand, the folks at Seduction Cinema may be onto something here. If Marvel is on their way to creating an on-screen superhero universe to mirror their comics, why couldn't Seduction do the same thing with Spiderbabe and IronBabe? Continuing through Marvel's proposed slate of superhero adaptations-Captain America, The Mighty Thor, and team-up Avengers film-surely IronBabe can be followed up with Captain Babemerica and The Mighty Whor, all to climax (so to speak) in a Sexvengers movie. (No compensation is necessary for these excellent ideas, Seduction, just spell my name right!)
The sex is funny. The comedy isn't. It might amuse you to have this sitting on the DVD shelf next to the actual Iron Man, but IronBabe isn't much of a comedy and barely qualifies as porn. It is, however, still not as bad as Epic/Date/Superhero Movie. As Iron Man creator Stan Lee used to say, 'nuff said.
As guilty as Tony Stark after falling off the wagon again. Don't be like that beloved alcoholic billionaire playboy, kids.
Wait…"Tony Stark"…"Horny Fark." It's a pun! I just got that.
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Scales of Justice
Studio: Seduction Cinema
• Jackie Stevens Short: "Hot Property"
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