All Rise...

Judge David Johnson plays in an underwater rock band called Barnacle Ascension. Look for their debut album soon!

The Charge

The most compelling reason yet for the shark-fin soup industry.

The Case

The year is 2076 and humanity has expanded its reach below sea level. But as cool as it is to zip around in underwater ships and dodge kelp and plankton, there is a risk to living underwater: a large number of megalomaniacs are intrinsically drawn to living in fortresses surrounded by giant glass bubbles. Which means deep sea crime is rampant and since there doesn't seem to be any money in any of the city budgets for law enforcement (the "giant glass bubble" line item tends to eat into the tax revenues), the responsibility of defeating the criminal element falls to a music band made up of teenagers and their drummer, a talking shark.

They're The Neptunes and they are:

Biffy
The standard-issue Alpha male of the group, though with a name like "Biffy," both "Alpha" and "male" are debatable. He's got some dope sideburns and a pompadour and that is it. He is a stuff.

Shelly
The "star" of the Neptunes, Shelly is self-absorbed and vindictive. She emasculates all the male members of the band, looks down on her girl pal Bubbles and thinks Jabberjaw is, at best, a brain-damaged oddity.

Bubbles
She is idealistic and wide-eyed—literally wide-eyed. Look at her. Yikes.

Clamhead
With a name like "Clamhead," would you be shocked to discover that he's the requisite half-baked hippie comic relief?

Jabberjaw
He's a Great White Shark that can play the drums, walk and talk while out of water and can reasonably be sued by the estates of Rodney Dangerfield and the Three Stooges. Despite being a complete moron, Jabberjaw is often the last line of defense against the giant killer robot, or the vengeful genie, or the insect alien king or whatever else nightmarish creature with eyes on deep-sea domination comes across the sonar. Amazingly, he is always victorious, but that's usually because the bad guys are bigger morons than Jabberjaw, which should tell you something about the quality of public education in 2076.

Sixteen episodes, which comprise the entire series; no surprise, really, because despite the faint, amusing nostalgia that exists somewhere deep within my subconscious, Jabberjaw and all of its archaic action-adventuring, nonsensical plotting and that woeful canned laugh-track that plagued cartoons in the '70s bites.

The DVD set is lean, with episodes presented in passable full frame format and Dolby Digital mono and accompanied by zero extras.

The Verdict

Guilty. Jabberjaw needs to be poached.

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