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Case Number 24458: Small Claims Court

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Jersey Shore Shark Attack (Blu-ray)

Anchor Bay // 2012 // 87 Minutes // Rated R
Reviewed by Judge David Johnson // September 6th, 2012

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All Rise...

Judge David Johnson is gellin' like a felon.

The Charge

Don't eat me, bro.

The Case

Pretty transparent programming here by the suits. Spoofing MTV's debauched, gel-ridden juggernaut Jersey Shore, Jersey Shore Shark Attack riffs on the self-proclaimed "guidos" and puts their muscle-bound creations against a bevy of CGI sharks.

Led by The Complication (Jeremy Luke) an obvious take-off on The Situation, our heroes find their lives of lifting weights, ogling breasts, and arguing with the stuck-up yacht club members intruded upon by a gaggle of ill-tempered bull sharks. Drawn in by some illegal drilling, the sharks infiltrate the waters of Seaside Heights and begin devouring passersby.

For some reason, the burden of saving lives and stopping the sharks falls to these idiots, and they rise to the challenge. And by "rise to the challenge" I mean accidentally blow up a boat and fire automatic weapons in the general direction of shark fins.

Yeah, so Jersey Shore Shark Attack is a pretty brutal way to spend 87 minutes. Everything you've come to expect from micro-budgeted creature features is here: woeful acting, a plodding pace, and some of the worst visual effects to ever see the light of day. Seriously, these might be the worst sharks I have ever seen. When these white blobs of indecipherable CGI goo pop up on screen, any semblance of suspended disbelief goes right out the porthole.

But—and this is a big one—nothing is taken seriously. These "horror" films have recently flirted with tongue-in-cheek style, but Jersey Shore Shark Attack fully embraces the funny. This is a straight-up comedy and, while it seemed at the outset to be a ham-fisted spoof of the TV show (the "parody names" are particularly cringeworthy), it's really just a goof-fest about idiots that happen to act like the stereotypes America has apparently come to love.

And the kicker? It's actually pretty funny. When I say these people are idiots, I mean it. They chase sharks with firecrackers, implore Joey Fatone to help spread the word about the attacks, and eventually take to the high seas to fire shotguns at the aquatic invaders. I don't why it works, but it does. I laughed.

There you go. Something called Jersey Shore Shark Attack actually contained an ounce of entertainment on purpose. The on-screen menaces are pathetic and the story instantly forgettable, but if you like laughing at complete morons, there's be some fun to be had here. No joke.

The Blu-ray: a very nice 1.78:1/1080p high definition widescreen transfer, a Dolby TrueHD 5.1 Surround mix (that thankfully mites composer Andres Boulton's awful score), an audio commentary, and a five-minute behind-the-scenes featurette.

The Verdict

Guilty? Probably. But at least I had a semi-positive reaction, which is a win for these movies.

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Scales of Justice

Judgment: 70

Perp Profile

Studio: Anchor Bay
Video Formats:
• 1.78:1 Non-Anamorphic (1080p)
Audio Formats:
• TrueHD 5.1 Surround (English)
Subtitles:
• English (SDH)
• Spanish
Running Time: 87 Minutes
Release Year: 2012
MPAA Rating: Rated R
Genres:
• Action
• Comedy
• Horror
• Television

Distinguishing Marks

• Commentary
• Featurette

Accomplices

• IMDb








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