All Rise...

Appellate Judge Patrick Bromley would rather keep up with the Kevorkians.

Editor's Note

Our reviews of Keeping Up With The Kardashians: The Complete First Season (published October 9th, 2008) and Keeping Up With The Kardashians: The Complete Third Season (published August 11th, 2010) are also available.

The Charge

Crazy. Sexy. Fun.

The Case

Keeping Up with the Kardashians: The Complete Second Season isn't crazy or sexy or fun. It's a dark night of the soulless—a show about nothing presented by placeholders posing as humans. It offers nothing to the viewer: not entertainment, not escapism, not even a look inside a family of self-made celebrities. I suppose that there are people that might like the show, but I can't understand why. They would have to really like the Kardashians, but the show offers us nothing to like. It's not that they're unlikable people. It's that they're not people.

The show, which airs on the black hole that is E! (except for you, The Soup; you understand my pain), is widely accepted as "reality" television, because that's the term we now apply to any show that doesn't feature actors or sets or scripts. And, yet, Kardashians features all of those things; there's not one "real" thing about it. Every episode has been prefabricated, from mom Kris deciding to put a chicken coop in the backyard to get fresher eggs for breakfast (Seriously? There are more realistic storylines on Grey's Anatomy, and that show's ridiculous) to sisters Kim and Kourtney plotting to set up other sister Kourtney (who I'll be referring to from here on out as Chyna) on a series of blind dates. They're playing themselves as characters in a show that's not about anything but being a show. The whole endeavor is just insulting.

Maybe I could forgive all of this (except there's no way I could forgive all this) if the show was even reasonably entertaining. It isn't. Not one member of the Kardashian family even displays a personality; at least you could tell the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles apart. I suppose there's some attempt to make Kim (she of the big ass and sex tape) a diva, but is she any more of a diva than the rest of these dead-eyed "personalities?" Chyna is bossy and destined to live alone or in a sham marriage to an athlete. The corpse of Bruce Jenner is embalmed and miserable, but only half as miserable as me.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians: The Complete Second Season is foisted upon Earth thanks to Lionsgate (whom I am now mad at). The 11 episodes are presented on a single disc in their original 1.33:1 full frame format and look as good or better as their original broadcast versions; nothing has been done to put life in the stars' eyes, but colors are solid and everything looks fine. The 2.0 soundtrack is serviceable as well, in that it presents the vapid non-dialogue in a manner that you can hear. It's all just white noise anyway.

There are two bonus features included on the set. The first is a video blog kept by lone son Robert, who would be the least offensive cast member if not for the two youngest Jenner daughters who haven't yet learned how to be offensive. Give them time and the E! network. The second extra is a collection of deleted scenes, but that's a bit like downing a glass of poison and then being told there's still some more left.

In short, I really love Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It's mindless fun, and sometimes that's all I want!

Wrong. Nothing mindless is ever fun, and you're wrong to like it. There is no subjectivity where Keeping Up with the Kardashians is concerned. It's the worst.

The Verdict

I'm going to drink bleach.

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