Judge David Johnson thinks a hit should be put out on the machines that are currently pressing this disc.
Perfect husband. Perfect target.
I am trying very hard to put together a sentence rich enough in sneering derision to do justice to my distaste for the insipid, witless, dull, and nonsensical viewing experience that is Killers, but the vocabulary eludes me. Apologies.
Facts of the Case
Our tale begins on the French Rivera where spoiled brat Jen Kornfeldt (Katherine Heigl, Knocked Up) is whining about a recently-ended relationship. She runs into a guy named Spencer (Ashton Kutcher, Valentine's Day) and the two immediately strike up a passionate romance; despite the fact they have zero chemistry, she's a dolt, and he has the charisma of a Duraflame log.
Fast forward three years. The two are married and living a normal suburban life, when suddenly people start shooting at them and it's not because they're two profoundly grating people. Spencer is a retired spy and someone has put out a lucrative bounty on his head.
I had a feeling Killers was going to be a kick in the groin, but I had no idea it would be wearing one of those From Russia with Love knife-shoes. For 100 minutes, this film will continually invent ways to stab your brain. Nothing works. Not the romance, the humor, or the action. The cameras work, though. Unfortunately.
Everything in Killers operates in a parallel universe, another dimension that only employs rules of Bad Hollywood Screenwriting. In this terrifying realm, characters take actions that no one in real life would consider, events happen that defy physics and logic, and even the majesty of Tom Selleck's mustache can do nothing to offset the terror.
To ensure you haven't been sucked into a wormhole and faced with the horrifying proposition you may be occupying the world of Killers, take this simple multiple choice exam:
1) If a helicopter exploded, killing all aboard right in front of you during your vacation you would:
A. Be noticeably shaken and a bit freaked out.
2) While out with the mysterious guy you just met on the beach, your father shows up at the restaurant unexpectedly. He thought you were home, sick. How would you react?
A. Calmly explain you met someone and decided to have a dinner with your new
3) You've acted like a complete tool during your date, getting drunk, dancing with creepy strangers, and offering conversation of little substance. The chance you'll fall in love and get married is:
A. 0%. You're a spoiled clown. Don't fool yourself.
4) You're a covert killer embedded for years in the life of an ex-spy and finally get the green light to take him out. What's the best approach?
A. Sneak up behind him and shoot him in the head.
5) You've just survived a series of attempts on your life and now come face to face with the person who called in the hits. What do you do?
A. Call the CIA immediately.
If you answered "C" to every question, congratulations, you live in the same Hell dimension as Killers! And while Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher emerged with a paycheck and the potential to make more miserable crap, you, my friend, are damned to relive a movie that sucked so bad the Blu-ray case designers were forced to lie, inserting on the cover an entirely made-up scene featuring Kutcher leading Heigl by the hand, running through the ocean while being pursued by a speedboat full of bad guys, which, ironically, is far more entertaining and action-packed than anything that occurs on the disc housed within.
If you're determined to support this garbage, Lionsgate has a functional Blu-ray for you. The 2.35:1 1080p widescreen is clear enough, though the transfer has a too-warm quality, as if everyone was hit by a modest amount of spray-tan. It's an odd effect and leads to a soft picture overall. The 7.1 DTS-HD Master Audio is a treat, though the trade-off is you're going to have to listen to enhanced Heigl whining. Extras: a making-of featurette (revealing actors under the delusion their film is not a bag of phlegm), gag reel, deleted/alternate/extended scenes, and Lionsgate's BD-Live portal.
Killers is contemptible hooey. Steer clear.
Guilty. Where's Chow Yun-Fat when you need him?
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