Judge P.S. Colbert apologizes for being tardy; he got lost in translation.
Giovanna: Which do you want to hear, The Hollies or Chopin? Franco: Chopin. It's more in keeping with our image.
What the hell is going on here? I've watched Kill Me Quick, I'm Cold through twice now, and still the question persists.
First, there's the (failed) caper comedy: Photogenic '60s swingers Giovanna (Monica Vitti, Bambole!) and Franco (Jean Sorel, Belle de Jour) meet cute while trying to game each other. Each one is pretending to royalty (he a "count," she a "countess"), and on the hunt for a rich lover to soak, using a pre-internet variation of a 419 scam—you know, like those emails that plead the case of a Nigerian prince, promising millions of dollars in compensation to whomever will put up a quick couple thousand dollars in order to help him make a bank transfer, blah blah blah…
A few stiff drinks and a tumble in hotel suite sheets loosens their tongues, and the counterfeits let down their guards:
Franco: I'll tell you something. I'm not a count…I'm not a big millionaire. You might say that I aspire to be one however. Meanwhile, I live on my wits, instead of money, mostly by pursuing—and usually catching—wealthy women who are interesting, seduce-able, and easy to unload.
Giovanna: Oh, my! Isn't it marvelous? Ha ha-We're two of a kind! No need to cheat, no need to lie about it, Oh, it's so good knowing I don't have to seduce you for money…it's so nice to be with somebody who is my own kind…
Perhaps by now you have come to understand that this is an Italian film, badly dubbed, so that mouths move away from words spoken, and characters are constantly explaining to each other their motivations in great detail, with situations where the mouths still move but the words have run out being covered (a la Speed Racer cartoons) with ha-has!
The pair decide to team up and perform their sting as a brother-sister act, which leads to a series of scenes so repetitive they amount to a cinematic form of Chinese water torture, often to the accompaniment of two obscure Hollies songs ("Kill Me Now" and "We're Alive") which waft in and out of the soundtrack something like a dozen times apiece.
Moving on, the film enters a decidedly lysergic phase, involving much travel (over land and sea), much more of (the same) Hollies music, and a narrative detour about finding Giovanna's mother that leads nowhere, but lands the couple in an ornate European hotel, whereupon they make the acquaintance of beautiful, tortured Christina (Daniela Surina, The Dead Are Alive) and her handsome, bullying brother Sergio (Roberto Bisacco, Torso), young siblings on the verge of receiving a multi-million dollar inheritance.
Here again, our tale changes direction and tone, becoming a (failed) murder plot thriller. The action is transplanted to London for no apparent reason, though the Thames seems like a nice, murky body of water to dispose of a corpse in (there's also the slight possibility one might actually see the Hollies in person—though one doesn't, in fact—fail again!) All of this meanders to a conclusion seemingly inspired by someone one behind the camera yelling "Time's up!"
This exceptionally rare film makes a strange candidate for Sony's Choice Collection series of Made-On-Demand releases, but to their credit, they've done a fine job of presenting the beautiful people, beautiful scenery, and mod 'sixties fashions in vivid detail. The mono sound mix serves the dialogue well, though the Hollies music sounds a little muffled—not necessarily a bad thing, come the twelfth-ish reprise of each song. The release is bare-bones, featuring nary an extra, and by the way, we never do get to hear any Chopin!
Whether directly inspired by A.D.D., O.C.D., L.S.D., or some combination thereof, Kill Me Quick, I'm Cold may not endanger your life, so much as waste it for approximately ninety-nine minutes.
I hearby wish to enter a plea of Mi no comprendere.
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