Judge Mitchell Hattaway says, 'twas beauty killed—oh, forget it. This movie pretty much died of sheer incompetence.
The Eighth Wonder of the World…likes to watch!
Yeah? Well why the hell don't we get to see what he's watching?
Facts of the Case
Flatulent skin flick director Seymoure Ass (John Fedele, Kraa! the Sea Monster) discovers wannabe starlet Fannie Sparrow (Sabrina Faire) when she tries to steal a dildo from an adult novelties vendor on the streets of New York City. Ass knows he can make a killing with Fannie as his star, so now all he needs is a gimmick. Then it hits him: Kinky Kong, the legendary lord of Bone Island. Ass assembles a crew, charters a ship, and sails off to find and capture the lecherous monkey, whose savage breast can only be calmed by the sight of Sapphic love.
I generally try to avoid this, but I think this case warrants it, so allow me to quote from this disc's packaging:
"Seduction Cinema's most spectacular and sensual film yet, Kinky Kong is a non-stop erotic action epic and hilarious spoof featuring sexy female sailors, voluptuous villagers and state-of-the-art visual fx that will have you beating your chest in anticipation."
Now allow me to retort: bull.
Softcore sex (primarily of the lesbian variety) has been the bread and butter of Seduction Cinema for the better part of a decade. So why does this flick feature no softcore sex? Well, this is the R-rated version of Kinky Kong, which I assume exists for those people who enjoy movies featuring dildo thieves, fart jokes, Ron Jeremy jokes, unfettered fake breasts, unfettered natural breasts, and a giant monkey in a diaper who fondles himself, yet draw the line at full frontal female nudity and softcore couplings (the existence of such people is news to me). There exists an unrated version of this movie, one containing full frontal female nudity, several scenes of lesbian lovin', and even a girl/boy scene or two (photographic evidence of which is available on the company's website), but it's unavailable from any retailer. In order to acquire the unrated version, you have to get it directly from Seduction Cinema, either by purchasing a two-pack of both versions or by first purchasing this version, then filling out the handy order form included with this version and ponying up three bucks for postage. Is it worth it? Beats me, but they will accept cash, so I'm contemplating sending them 299 pennies and letting some poor sucker count them fifteen times.
Anyway, that covers what you don't get. So what do you get? Here's what you get:
The first scene features Ass videotaping Charlina (Darian Caine, The Seduction of Misty Mundae) performing a striptease. Charlina barely has her top off before the scene ends. Ass then ventures out into the street, where he spots Fannie attempting the five-finger-discount at the dildo booth. He offers to save her hide if she'll agree to appear in his next move. She agrees, after which Ass takes her to a motel and videotapes her performing a striptease. Fannie barely has her top off before the scene ends. (Abrupt, shoddy editing in this version only serves to remind you you're not getting what you paid for.)
Ass and his crew then set out for Bone Island (yes, the island's major geographical feature resembles a giant erection), which apparently lies about a mile off the Jersey coast. They land, go ashore, and run across a pack of natives led by Brunhilda Patel (AJ Khan, Flesh for Olivia), who immediately takes a liking to Fannie. Fannie and Brunhilda head back to Brunhilda's cabin, where Brunhilda performs a striptease. Her top is barely off before the scene ends. The two women head back out into the jungle, where Kinky Kong (who is portrayed by Play-Mate of the Apes costar Dan Schwab in the cheapest gorilla costume this side of Robot Monster) is waiting for them. Kong grabs Fannie and removes her top. Ass and the rest of his crew hear Fannie's cries and attempt to rescue her. Kong then grabs Brunhilda, drops her down the front of the giant diaper he always wears, rubs her up against his monkeyhood, and then runs off. (Given his appearance and proclivities, I'd say Kinky Kong is a rip-off of the Masturbating Bear from Late Night with Conan O'Brien.)
Ass radios back to the boat for help, but the ship's dishwasher (Alexia Moore, Lust in Space) is too busy performing a striptease to respond. The dishwasher's top is barely off before the scene ends. Fannie and Brunhilda distract Kong by performing a striptease. A T-Rex shows up and wants to watch, but Kong gets mad. He bashes the poor creature over the head with a rock and then lovingly takes it from behind. The women's tops are barely off before Jack Friskell (Duane Polcou, Spiderbabe), Ass's first mate, arrives to rescue them. Friskell, who is a closeted homosexual, has fallen in love with Kinky Kong and plans to offer himself in exchange for the women's freedom. Fannie and Brunhilda run. Kong has no interest in Jack, so he chases after the women. Fannie and Brunhilda meet up with the rest of the crew. Ass knocks Kong out with a giant fart.
The action then jumps back to New York, where Ass is mounting a stage extravaganza showcasing the big monkey. Playing to a packed house of about a dozen extras, Brunhilda, Fannie, and Rollergirl (Jackie Stevens, Curious Obsessions) perform a striptease. Their tops are barely off before Kong's massive erection swells against the chains restraining him; the chains eventually break, freeing Kong to roam the city's streets. Kong climbs onto the tracks of the city's mass transit system; the train's helpless engineer watches in horror as the train plunges headlong into Kong's posterior. Kong begins climbing a building, but stops when he sees a woman performing a striptease. Kong begins thrusting himself against the building. Friskell, now dressed in drag, runs up and once again offers himself to the monkey. The woman's top is barely off before Kong climaxes, covering Friskell in gorilla goo.
Seeking help in subduing Kong, ass and Friskell go to the cops. Meanwhile, Kong begins following a pack of frightened, bikini-clad women who have suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Kong stops short, staring longingly off into the distance. He then wades out into the water, headed for Liberty Island. Ass and Friskell arrive just in time to watch as Kong makes sweet, sweet love to the Statue of Liberty. Iris out.
What a gyp. Thanks for nothing, guys. Come on, is anybody watching these movies for the stunning craftsmanship, witty scripting, groundbreaking effects, or powerful performances? No. People watch these movies in hopes of seeing B-level babes disrobing and pawing each other. That's the driving force of these movies, their only reason for being. You take that out of the equation and you're left with…well, nothing. Then again, I could be completely wrong about this. After all, I know people who paid good money to see Creedence Clearwater Revisited.
Kinky Kong arrives on DVD sporting the same sort of flat, dull transfer Seduction Cinema generally doles out. The audio is creaky, canned stereo. Extras include the ubiquitous trailers, three minutes of unenlightening behind-the-scenes footage, and liner notes from some dude named Andrew Shearer, who actually has the nerve to favorably compare the Seduction Cinema classic Lord of the G-Strings to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There's also an audio commentary from producer Michael Rasso and Henrique Couto, the man behind the Freak Forum series of podcasts. During the commentary, which sounds as if it were recorded on an old Otasco tape recorder, Rasso and Couto spend very little time talking about the movie and a whole lot of time bitching about people who don't understand their vision. Yay.
I know I didn't pay for this thing, but I want my money back.
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Studio: Seduction Cinema
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